I'm pregnant. I am actually 28 weeks and 6 days pregnant to be exact. My date of conception was April 21st and my due date is January 31st though I think she will come earlier in the month. I just feel like she's going to be a Capricorn. And that's fitting since everyone in my family are either Water signs or Earth signs. I am actually hoping she comes on January 19th. She'll be in good company. It is, after all, the birthday of both Janis Joplin and Edgar Allan Poe. Now, how awesome would that be? Oh,yeah, and she's a girl. Her name will most likely be River Song (because her dad is a nerd and her mom is part hippie...it's a compromise). My original choices were Stevie Lynn and Janis Pearl. Both names were shot down as her father felt it was a bad start to be named after drug addicted rock stars. I beg to differ...but whatever. lol
When I found out I was pregnant, one of my biggest fears was that I would have her and I would get so wrapped up in motherhood that a decade would pass without me writing anything. I have never had my own child before but I have raised a child from birth (she's nineteen and she's still here with me...lol) and I know that the first year of the baby's life, I will have very little time to write. The first five years I won't be able to write as much as I usually do. I imagine that if I were on the Bestseller's list this wouldn't be an issue. I assume that big time authors reach a point where their writing is finally treated like a "real" job by everyone around them and the time they need to write is made for them. But those of us who are independent, regardless of which art form we are working in, all have that problem where our work isn't viewed as work by others and, sometimes, even by ourselves. I myself have put school and cleaning and cooking and taking care of others and...everything...before my writing. And that is why I am so afraid. In addition to that, when you have a screaming baby and you are a stay at home mom, there is no one else to tend to that baby. And the baby's needs cannot wait while you finish that all important part you are working on. But, hell, I don't have to tell many of you any of this. I am in no way inventing these issues. But I do believe I have found a solution.
As soon as I found out about my impending motherhood, I decided that I would finish Rapunzel and go straight on to Sleeping Beauty. My goal is to write the entire novel by the time the baby is born. Usually, writing a novel from scratch takes me roughly a year. I finished Rapunzel at the beginning of last month giving me four months to write a book from start to finish. No pressure or anything...lol If all goes as planned, I will have this novel done by the end of January and then I will take a couple of weeks to a month off before I start editing Rapunzel and, once that is finished, I will edit Sleeping Beauty, hopefully releasing both on Amazon by June. May would be better but June is the goal.
Along with this plan I've been mulling over ideas about how to get some of you guys involved in editing and what sort of things I want to do for the releases. One idea I had was that I would choose five to ten people from the great internet world in which we all live and I would give these people unedited versions of the books which we would all edit together, kind of like a pre-release group read thing. I think that has the potential to be really fun if you guys are interested in something like that. That's the most persistent idea I've had. I also thought about releasing the first few chapters of each book before they are available on Amazon and maybe teasing a few random pages here and there as well. Feel free to share with me any ideas you all may have as well. I've never been in a situation where I had a community of people I could share a release with and now that I do have that, I want you all involved in some way.
So that's what going on. That's why I haven't been on in so long. I haven't read a single page of a single book in...get this...FIVE MONTHS. I know, right? I have never gone this long without reading before. I have a Stephen King book sitting on my desktop that has just...sat there. For months. Half a year, actually. That's painful. lol But teeny tiny babies do not know what you read out loud to them. They just like to hear your voice. Baby's first book? It will probably be Revival. I will catch up on reading in between baby stuff and editing. And I cannot wait. I get rather cranky without a damned book in my hands.
With all of the terrible things going on in the world right now, I hope that you are all doing well, that you are safe and healthy and happy. I also hope that you all stay safe and healthy and happy until we meet again....
The Vampire Fairy Tales
Sunday, November 15, 2015
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Summer Solstice Markdown
To celebrate the Summer Solstice, Beauty and the Beast will be enrolled in a countdown deal. It will begin on June 20th and the price will be 99 cents. The price will go up a little each day until the sale ends on the 23rd. So mark your calenders! :)
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00K425LCG/ref=s9_simh_gw_p351_d0_i1?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=1HQA4959Q4XA580EYTS0&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=1688200382&pf_rd_i=507846
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00K425LCG/ref=s9_simh_gw_p351_d0_i1?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=1HQA4959Q4XA580EYTS0&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=1688200382&pf_rd_i=507846
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Beauty and the Beast Preview (A Little Longer Than Amazon's)
I was looking at Amazon's preview and I realized it was only about a chapter away from covering all of Part One of the book so I thought I would post a preview here that included the missing chapter. Enjoy!
Beauty and the Beast
“ There be three great mysteries in life,
and magic controls them all. To fulfill love, you must return again at the same
time and at the same place as the loved ones; and you must meet, and know, and
remember, and love them again. But to be reborn, you must die, and be made ready
for a new body. And to die, you must be
born; but without love, you may not be born.”
–Gerald Gardner
Part 1- Birth
There are many in this world who are
blinded by outward appearances. They equate a pretty face with a sweet nature.
They are led astray by false promises mistaking beauty for a beast and vice
versa based on few facts and many wild fantasies. As a child I watched my three
sisters change from scrawny girls into beautiful young women. I watched them
weave spells with a bat of a lash and then break hearts with no more thought
than one gives to the kicking of a pebble. The three of them became cruel not
only toward the world outside but toward our father and me as well. I would
hear them whisper that I was jealous of their beauty and of the hearts they
broke. What they never guessed at in their vain assumptions was that rather
than envy it was pity I felt toward them. A beautiful face rarely lasts forever
but if you keep your heart pure, if you look past appearances and you ignore
what others might say; it is possible for anyone born of this earth to find a
love that will last until time itself stands still.
I had learned many lessons from those
around me by my seventeenth year. My mother had been dead and gone six years,
my father suddenly seemed old as if age was a condition that snuck up on him in
the middle of the night, and two of my three sisters had already sealed their fates
with men as different as night and day. One was a young lord rich in title
alone. He was cruel and cold and my oldest sister Adelaide was miserable living
with a character so like her own. My other sister, the one closest to me in
age, married a very rich man who worshipped her as if she were a goddess in the
flesh. To him she gave nothing but harsh words and bitter jeers but he seemed
trapped in her web.
I myself had become beautiful I was told
but even if I had wanted to dwell on this fact I had no time. My father, the
only man I had ever loved, was dying by the hour and of his four children I was
the only one that would tend to him. The hours of work on his behalf were
nothing compared with the pain I felt as he grew weaker, paler, and smaller
with each day that passed. When at last the disease took him from me it was
close to Christmas and a snow storm had blown into the French countryside
unlike any other I had seen before it. My dear father could not be buried until
it had passed and I could not bear to be trapped inside of our small home with
a rude ninny and the body of a man I loved more than the waking world.
“You cannot leave me alone with a corpse!
Where will you go in this mess?” My sister Agnes demanded as I pulled my father’s
coat on over my own. All of my life I had been a good girl, doing what was
expected, seeing the best in people even if they had little to offer in that
regard. When my mother passed I vowed to be good to my sisters, no matter their
crimes against me, and I promised myself I would stay home always to assist
father as a son might have if any had lived that long. But with my father lying
still in the same bed where mother took her last breath and we girls took our
first, I felt a crazy painful freedom rise up inside of me. It was the sort
that comes with having nothing in this world left to lose.
“Agnes, I have wasted too much of my time
on you already. You have many suitors as you are fond of pointing out. I doubt
they will leave you here for long. Any of them would brave hell and a blizzard
with it to prove their adoration. Goodbye and good luck, sister. I hope life
brings us just what we deserve.”
In truth I had no idea where I was going
or what I would do when I left my home in a dead man’s coat. The snow was
flying so hard and so fast that I couldn’t see my hand before me and, best of
all, I really had nowhere in the world to go. The only plan I could think of as
I started off was to follow the light of the moon. It was full that night and
incredibly bright despite the storm. It was the only thing one could see for
the storm. In my moment of grief induced insanity that was as good a plan as
any.
I walked on when my feet went numb, I
walked on when my hands began to burn from the wind, I walked on when my chest
burned and breathing became a chore. Finally when the trees cleared and I was
able to see a large structure before me the world began to fade out. I tried so
hard to keep going knowing that if I stopped, if my body dropped where it stood,
I would freeze to death. But I had eaten nothing in three days, I had not a
drop of water that day at all, and I had gone farther from my home than ever
before. Everything did not go black all at once. There was a gradual fading out
and then the world was simply there no more.
When I opened my eyes the first thing I
saw was a roaring fire set in a fireplace larger than any I had ever seen
before. My first thought was the same of many who survive death: I believed I
was dead. I thought I had entered another world. Then I tried to stand. I
realized two important facts at once; the first was that I had been stripped
down to my bare flesh and the second was that I had been chained to the cold
stone wall. Instantly I knew that I had lived and I feared that I was spared
only to die at the hands of another. There was but one thing to do. I screamed
louder and longer than ever before.
A man, obviously the master of the house,
came in followed by a chambermaid. It took me a moment to register that the girl
was in the room because as soon as I laid eyes on him the rest of the world
faded away. I had seen plenty of boys and men in my life but never had I seen a
man so beautiful, so…enchanting. I forgot that I was naked, I forgot the
manacles upon my wrists, and I lost myself completely in his strange dark eyes.
They were forest green, unlike any color I had come across in my life. And his
skin was so white it looked almost translucent. Despite the death white of his
flesh, his hair was black as coal and as long and well-kept as my sisters’.
“Who are you?” He demanded in an icy tone.
I forgot that it was I who should be
indignant and I whispered apologetically, “Arianne.”
“Why did you come here?”
This question confused me. “I am not even
sure where ‘here’ is, sir.” I replied.
Instead of coming forward to free me and
offering me some clothes, perhaps a spot by the fire, he pulled up a heavy
looking chair with one hand. His eyes never left mine but this is something I
only noticed later. “‘Here’ would be the estate upon which you were found
unconscious and nearly frozen to death. Anymore time spent out there and we
would not be having this conversation. Instead I would be burying a body.”
“No, you wouldn’t.”
“Beg pardon?” His raised eyebrow was so
condescending that it brought me back to my situation. My anger was frozen in my
veins until that moment. Now it was flowing through me like liquid flame.
My throat burned badly from thirst but I
managed to get out, “The ground is too hard right now to break so you wouldn’t
be burying my body…at least not for a while. I need water.”
“And what will you give me in return?”
I wanted to hate him. I would have given
anything to feel disgust along with my anger but try as I might I could find
none. “I will refrain from telling the townspeople that a madman chained me to
his wall.”
“Very well.” There was a faint smile at
his lips as he gestured toward the girl. It was then that I saw her standing
there. “Cherise, get our…guest some water please.”
“But sir…!”
Turning around to glare at her, he
seethed, “Find some!”
What was that supposed to mean? If this
was the place I had seen before I fainted surely he had something as common as
a well. “Clothes…?” My throat was too dry, my voice barely a whisper. But he
heard me.
“They were soaked from the snow. It fell
so fast…Well, you know how it was. You were foolish enough to go walking in it.
Which makes me wonder…are you a madwoman, Arianne, or are you a…”
The chambermaid returned before he could
finish his sentence. “Freshly melted snow, miss. It is nice and cool. I hope it
suits you.”
I was accepting the water she ladled from
the bucket and poured into my mouth. Nothing had ever tasted sweeter. When I
had my fill I backed away from her hand and I turned all of my attention toward
the man that I now knew as my captor. “Please free me. I will tell you how I
came to be here and when I do you shall see that I mean you no harm.”
“No. Tell me why you were on this land,
this estate, which no others besides my family and I have been on in centuries,
and then I will consider freeing you…from the chains anyway. After tonight I
may never be able to let you leave my home.”
I should have begged him to release me
from it all, not just the restraints that bound me to a bitter wall of stone.
But instead I looked at him and I replied in a voice I barely recognized, “What
would that matter to me? I have no place to go.”
“Splendid!” Something sinister, vicious,
flashed across those strange eyes of his and for a moment I felt true fear. My
survival instincts, however, warned me to hide this fear at all costs.
“Could I get some clothes, sir?” I tried
to make my tone as cold as the look he had a moment earlier but I could not
tell if I succeeded.
“Clothes are hard to slip over chains and
cuffs so you will get those as well after you tell me how you came to be here.”
He let me dangle on his words knowing, perhaps, that I would feel the cold at
my back even more since this comfort had been denied me; that I would watch his
gaze as it slid over my body and feel the intensity there. Then he stood and
grabbed a throw from one of the sofas in the grand room and in a moment of
tenderness he came to me and wrapped it around my body the best he could.
“Better?” I would have said yes to anything if it meant he would move away, for
in that moment I felt a pang of lust for the first time in my life. “Great! Now
where were we? Ah, yes…you were about to explain to me why I shouldn’t shoot
you for trespassing.”
I disguised my fear with a weapon I hadn’t
known I possessed until that night…sarcasm. “Oh, is that all? I thought you
wanted to know how I ended up here. Well, sir, you shouldn’t shoot me because
if the rest of your home…or shall I call it a castle?...looks anything like
this room you will make a mess of your finery. Brains, blood, and all of that.
No matter where you aim there is bound to be a disaster for the maids to clean
and I doubt they will be thrilled about it. The maids tell the cooks you’ve
wronged them, the cook puts the wrong ingredient in your soup, and your wife
gets this great big house all to herself. A real tragedy.”
His laughter both surprised me and it
eased my mind because it was pure, genuine, like sunlight and roses. Something
inside of me knew that it was all that remained of the man he once was but at
the time I didn’t understand what this meant. “There is no wife, my staff would
kill for me, and I would eliminate the mess by shooting you outside. You have
spirit, though, even under these conditions and I appreciate that. Anything
else?”
“No, I am afraid that is all I had. My
only request is that you bury me as soon as you can. I do not want animals
eating me for a midday meal.” I felt almost possessed as I spoke. This was not
the girl I had been two days before, the devoted daughter, the vigilant sister,
the quiet mouse that said nothing out of the way. Had my father’s death truly
driven me to insanity or was it possible that I had shed my former self like a
dead skin as soon as I walked out of my father’s door? Either one could be a
possibility but neither one felt right. They didn’t feel honest. What seemed
most likely as I sat there was that this man had come from nowhere, he saved me
like the white knight in the old tales, and now he held me spellbound in a
place of enchantment. I tried to shake my head against the farfetched idea but
I could not. It was wrapped around me tighter than any blanket and it kept me
just as warm.
“I don’t think I will do that at all. At
the very least, I will not shoot you for a rodent’s lunch until I’ve heard you
out. What…or who…brought you here?”
It wasn’t until that moment that I
realized I was afraid to tell my story. It all seemed like such a dream to me
now and I was afraid if I spoke about it I would awake again in my father’s
small house beside of his pale corpse. But the man was growing impatient and I
could tell already that, innocent laugh or not, he was not a person to leave
hanging. “It was my father that led me here; or rather, it was his death. He
was the only person in this life that loved me, the only person I truly love,
and last night when he drew his last breath I decided I had nothing to lose and
no reason to stay and prolong my pain watching the flesh rot from his body
until the snow melted and the ground softened enough for a proper burial. I had
no place to go so I just walked. By the time I got here I was too weak to go
on. I thought I would die out there if I fell but there was nothing left in me.
I would be dead if not for you and I do thank you for that. I am forever in
your debt, monsieur.”
“First, let me say that by the time all is
said and done, you may not feel so grateful. I should tell you that you were
stupid for doing what you did last night. You were. Don’t misread me on that
point. But I am no stranger to pain or grief. I understand why you fled even if
it was almost your last mistake. Now, that will be all for tonight. Cherise
will show you to your room. It seems I now have some business to attend to.”
“But…”
“What is it now? Clothes? She will have
some for you. A hot bath perhaps? She can draw one for you.”
“I am very hungry, sir. Could I get a meal?”
“Damn!” He swore in a way that made me
think he would tell me to go to hell. “Can you wait until the morning? You will
have anything your stomach desires. The cook will not be available to you until
evening; we keep odd hours you see, but you may avail yourself to anything you
need. Is that well enough?”
“Yes, thank you.” I said simply though
there were many questions I wanted to ask.
He moved to take his leave but when he
reached the doors he stopped and turned back toward me. “Do you have any
siblings, Arianne?”
“Yes, I have three sisters. Two are
married and one lives at home.” I was so confused that I never thought to
question his reasoning behind this inquiry.
His smile was again as sharp as a steal
blade. “Thank you.”
As soon as he left the room, the
chambermaid came in carrying a dressing gown and a key. “Everyone has eaten for
the night so Master says to set you free.” She explained vaguely but with a
warm smile.
Instead of questions I only smiled in
return as her ice cold hands did their part to free me from my chains. I rubbed
my wrists a moment before she handed me the gown and gestured toward a screen
that I could use to dress privately. I found it odd that a dressing screen
should be sitting in a parlor and just as strange that she should offer it to
me as she was looking at me naked. But again I kept quiet going behind the
partition to dress while making casual conversation. “Your accent…you speak
French well but is that English I hear in your words?”
“Yes, it is. Do you know any English?”
“People or words?” I asked with a chuckle
as I fought to button myself with numb hands. “Because I’ve met a few young men
from England, soldiers they were, in the village when I was younger. The
language I am fluent in.”
Suddenly she stood before me assisting me
with the gown as if I had already asked. “You are?” She questioned, switching
from my native tongue to her own.
“Yes as well as Spanish, Italian, German,
some Russian…”
“Greek?” Her eyes lit up with enthusiasm
and my guess at that moment was that learning Greek was a lifelong dream of
hers. Then I remembered myself. Most girls I knew could barely write their
names, let alone speak a language so foreign to us.
“Yes, Greek as well, and Latin. My father
schooled me as he would have a son. If there was something he wanted me to
learn that he could not teach, he found someone who could.”
“The Master shall be pleased at that.
Greece is where he’s from, you see. I can’t understand him when he has a fit
but now…”
“What do you mean, ‘when he has a fit’?” I
asked, following her out of the room and into a large hall. Paintings hung on
the walls but there wasn’t enough light for me to get a good look at them.
“Oh, aye. He’s got a temper on him. He can
be the kindest creature that ever lived but if you cross him…he’s a shouter for
sure. Sometimes he breaks things. But he would never hurt a soul. His bark is
worse than his bite.”
We were outside a room and Cherise smiled,
pride lighting up her eyes. When she opened the door I understood why. That one
room was bigger than the whole house I spent my life in. The bed was a four
poster, cherry wood, and the bed curtains were made from real velvet. The silver
vanity, the ornate wardrobes, the lace curtains on the massive floor-length
windows would have fed my entire village for years. I was half afraid to touch
anything. “This is where he wants me?” I asked in disbelief.
“That’s what he says. He also told me to
pass along the message that he’ll have a tailor for you on the morrow to make
you up some clothes.”
“Make me clothes? That won’t be necessary.
I’m not staying.” Until that moment I had no thought of leaving but the way she
spoke made me feel like a bird trapped in a gilded cage.
Her face changed suddenly and for a
moment I felt my body shiver with fear. “Oh no, Miss, you’ve got this all
wrong! The Master might treat you like a guest but he will not let you go until
he knows why you’ve come and you will not leave here until the Master lets you
go.”
I sought to hide my fear behind
indignation as I marched to the door we recently came through. “He may be your
master but he is not mine and I will leave when I damned well please!” I turned
the knob slowly only to find that Cherise had locked it. Again I faced her with
my hands on my hips and I demanded, “What is this master of yours? Some sort of
madman? Does he have a collection of lost people all throughout his palace?”
“No, not at all! I assure you, it is
nothing like that! He is private and very leery of the townspeople. He has
traveled the world over and he has not been welcomed, not even in his home.
People do not visit him and he has no people that he visits. You are the first
guest we have had since we came to this place and that was a century ago.”
I brushed off her final statement as a
figure of speech as I sulked toward the bed. For the moment I was resigned to
my fate and I watched the young woman build a fire in the massive fireplace
across the room. “Perhaps no one likes him because he is not a likeable
person.”
The girl’s laughter was genuine and for a
moment it made me smile. “It isn’t like that at all. He is actually wonderful
to have on your side. But few people understand him and fewer even try. They
see his temper, his eccentricities, and they shun him. Between you and me, I
think it hurts him to have so many people turn their backs on him every place
he goes.”
She was standing next to me now and she had
lowered her voice as if she were sharing a secret with an old friend. If her
intention was to make me feel empathy toward this stranger she failed. “It
might help his case a bit if he refrained from taking townsfolk prisoner. Since
I have no way out I might as well ask his name. I may have no choice in my stay
but I will not call him master. I would rather not speak to him at all.”
“So like him to forget a proper
introduction. His name is Lucania but those close to him call him Luke.”
“And the rest of you call him Master?” I
asked. I was desperately trying to get an idea of the situation I found myself
in. The place was like a dream but the circumstances were more like a nightmare
and I was again thinking that perhaps I had died and I was now in some sort of
purgatory.
“No. I alone call him that. If you knew
the life he saved me from you might better understand. He took me from a
miserable life and he gave me a new existence. He asked nothing in return for
all of his kind deeds. It was I who made myself available to him as a maid. It
was the only skill I had back then and it was the least I could do.” Somewhere
in the distance a clock chimed the hour and she jumped as if startled. “I’ve
chatted too long. I must go but Mother will be along shortly to see to your
bath.”
“Mother?” I questioned.
Again Cherise flashed her angelic smile.
“Yes. She is like a mother to us all.”
I was left alone with my thoughts for an
hour and in that time I went through a range of emotions unlike any I had known
before. I expected the anger at my predicament. I had done nothing, after all,
to deserve being locked up. I wasn’t surprised by my sorrow either. I had not
yet been given time to grieve for the man I loved above all else and a part of
me hadn’t accepted yet that he was truly gone. The emotion that caught me off
guard, the one that rose from a place inside of me I was unaware of, was the
bitterness. Despite what Cherise told me I was beginning to believe that if I
wasn’t dead already, I would be by the time Master Luke was finished with me.
And what living had I done? I had never traveled, I had never attended a party
or a ball, I had never had a suitor, and my lips were still unkissed. All of my
life until then I had given to others and I vowed to myself that if I beat the
odds and I made it out of that castle alive I would dance, I would sing, and I
would never again hand over my days on earth to another to spend.
When the woman everyone called “Mother”
came for me my gratitude was great. I feared that if I spent any more time with
myself I would start to go a little mad. I looked at her and I was stunned by
her age and her beauty. If she were a mother, she was unlike any I had seen
before. Her eyes were dark as night, her hair was long and black, but like
Cherise and Luke, her skin was as white as marble. “Are you ready for your
bath, child?” She asked. Her voice was so soothing it felt like I could drown
in it. Instead I nodded yes. “Follow me.”
She was a woman of few words. I noticed that
right away. She said nothing at all as she led me down the hall a bit to a
lavatory. The room was pure white and it included a mirror and a basin, a
steaming tub big enough for two, and a chamber pot in a corner. I had heard
people talk of rooms like these, a place to bathe and do your private business
without the cold of an outdoor toilet or the gracelessness of an old tin tub.
This was the first such room I had ever seen and it took my breath away. “This
room is also yours. Like the water you drank, your tub is filled with melted
snow heated to warm your skin. Our well has frozen up in this storm so that is
all the water we have. Get in when you are ready.”
I was encouraged by her words and I
thought I might learn more about my mysterious captor after all. I was silent
as I climbed into the tub and for a moment I sat enjoying the hot water on my
skin. When Mother gently put my head back so she might wash my hair I asked,
“How did you meet Luke?”
“I was his nurse. I raised him.” She said
simply. Her words shocked me. She looked far too young to have raised the man I
met. As if reading my mind, she said, “I was a child when he was born. My
family was servants to his and he was put in my charge. I am not like the girl,
Arianne. If you wish to know more about Lucania you must wait until tomorrow
evening and ask him. Now put your head back. I need to rinse.”
I went to sleep that night hungry but warm.
My door had been locked behind me and I did my part not to think of this fact.
I wasn’t sure how I could be so tired after all the time I spent sleeping in my
chains but I was indeed exhausted. I had planned to stay awake until I heard
the hoof beats of Luke’s horse announcing his arrival home but when I lay down
on that mattress of feathers and I closed the velvet curtains around me my eyes
grew too heavy to hold open and I could fight sleep no more.
Chapter 2
I slept late into the morning and when I
woke I was again left to process all that happened the night before. The bed
was black as night around me and this did nothing to clear my confusion.
Remembering the bed curtains, I opened them and I was blinded by the sunlight
pouring in. Nothing had ever looked as beautiful as that room bathed in the
frosty glow of morning. Unable to resist, I pulled the blanket around me to
ward off the chill and I walked over to the three windows that made up the
south side of my cell. Looking out over the grounds I realized for the first
time how large Lucania’s estate was and how high it stood above the town. I was
perched on a hill that was nearly a mountain and to look from the third floor
of the castle out upon the grounds was to feel as if you stood on the edge of
the world. For the first time in months I felt my lips curl up in a genuine
smile and I felt again that crazy thrill of freedom.
I walked back toward the bed intent on
making it when I noticed a note set upon a beautifully bound book. My hand
trembled a little as I lifted the white piece of paper and saw Luke’s signature
scrolled across the bottom. This mysterious man that had left me chained naked
to a wall, that had ordered even my own room to be locked against my escape,
had come in while I was sleeping and stood just feet from where I lay. Anger
again washed over me at the hypocrisy of it. I wasn’t free to leave the room
without his consent but he was free to come in without mine? I almost ripped up
his words in my fury but in the end curiosity won out. How could I help reading
what he had to say? ‘Arianne, the kitchen has been stocked with all you need.
Eggs and milk are in the cellar. You are free to use what you wish and we will
meet this evening for a proper tour of the house.’ My eyes drifted past his
name to his message at the bottom. ‘I bought a diary for you to keep. In times
of hardship sometimes one finds peace in words.’
I lifted the blue book up and I found that
it was bound with empty pages waiting for my story. It was perhaps the most
thoughtful gift anyone had ever given me and it further confused my emotions
toward the man that gave it. He had signed my full name on the cover and it
took me a long time to realize I had never told him any but my first.
When I turned the knob on the heavy door
it opened easily. Because I had no idea where the kitchen was, I headed first
to the lavatory and then I went off exploring. Being the third floor, I never
expected to find a kitchen there but I went looking anyway. Every unfamiliar
door I came to was locked, the hall was still dark as night, but there was
sunlight streaming in at the end of the hall. Having no other place to go, I
followed it and what I came upon was the largest kitchen I had ever seen. I
said I never expected to find one there but it was not unusual. I had heard my
sisters talk of estates with six or seven kitchens in them. The tales that once
seemed fanciful all looked as if they were true after all.
The cellar Luke referred to in the note
was not a cellar at all. It was a small pantry of sorts made of brick that was
kept cold by the weather outside, its position in the room, and its distance
from the stove. I did find eggs, milk, and meat stored within. It never
occurred to me to wonder where he found food at the late hour he left. I
suppose I assumed he stole it. The kitchen was as marvelous to me as my room,
the parlor, and the lavatory. It was all white save for the stove, there were
two large windows to the west and one small window to the east and it was so
clean that it looked as though it had never been used. There was no dining room
and no table to set up anywhere but there were high chairs around an island in
the center of the room. Considering the disposition of the home’s master I
wasn’t surprised by this anymore than I was by the fact that all of the dried
foods were left upon the island. He has probably never put food away in his
life, I mused to myself with a grin. I was still smiling at the thought of him
while I started the fire to cook.
After I finished my meal and cleaned up
the mess I needed something else to do. The entire place was silent around me
and loneliness was threatening to creep into my soul. I was used to people, voices,
always having the sound of another living soul nearby and it was the silence of
being completely alone that forced me to remember the situation I was in. Again
I decided to explore, heading down the hall opposite the way I came, past the
lavatory, my room, the parlor, and the many locked doors in between. I did not
think twice about going down the circular staircase I came to although I almost
knew what I would find on the second floor.
It was dark and dusty and there was no
grand kitchen to light the way to the end of the hall. Instead there were more
locked doors, more paintings on the walls for only the bats to see, and another
staircase leading down to the first floor. Again I took my chances hoping I
would find something down there to occupy my day.
At first there was only more darkness when
I stepped down and my heart sank until I realized I was standing in a parlor.
Sunlight was streaming in broken patches through the bottom of long thick
curtains and the holes that each set had. I breathed a sigh of relief, grateful
that it was curtains and not shutters which blocked the light. But I gasped at
what I found when I turned toward the room once more. From floor to ceiling it
looked as if no one had touched it in a decade or more. The layers of dust were
so thick upon the mantle, the mirrors, and the canvases that it looked like the
snow upon the ground outside. Cobwebs were in every corner and a large spider
web hung down from the center of the high ceiling. Some of the furniture had
been stacked up chair on top of chair and table on top of that in various
places in the room and the upholstery had holes from the mice like the canvases
that covered all the rest. Just in the ruined things alone there was probably
more money than my poor dead father had made in a year and Luke, spoilt brat
that he obviously was, had let it rot without a second thought. When you work
hard and you’ve little to show for it waste makes you angry and as I walked
through that part of the first floor opening curtains and finding the same mess
of waste and neglect I was furious!
In a closet by the first floor kitchen I
found all that I needed to clean and in the kitchen itself I found multiple
buckets of water. I had no idea where they came from or what they were for. I
intended to use them how I wished. I scrubbed past lunch time, I dusted long
into the afternoon, and I was sweeping when evening came. I found candles
scattered around the first floor, unused and sitting in filthy candelabras. I
cleaned them up when the shadows started to fall and I used matches for the
fires to bring them to life. I only finished the sitting room and the massive
entryway leading in from the front doors but I was proud of the work I had
done. I gave no thought to the master’s reaction to what I had done. As far as
I was concerned, he should have never let his home get in such a state of
disrepair in the first place.
“What in hell’s name has she
done?” The first sound of his voice coming in the front door with the cold made
my heart beat a little faster. I couldn’t admit, even to myself, that a part of
me had waited for him all day. “What has she done? Arianne!” He
shouted my name so loud that it shook the glass things on the mantle.
I stood prepared for a fight. His tone
told me he was less than pleased and when he entered the parlor with Mother and
Cherise behind him, the look on his face proved my suspicions. “I am right
here, Lucania! You don’t have to shout! What I have done is a thing that should
have been done long ago. It is called cleaning. With all of these rooms it is
unreasonable to leave Cherise to do it alone. She could never keep up. Even if
Mother helped, it would be too much. You need an entire staff like all estate
lords have. Until you acquire that, pick up a rag and do something!”
The eyes of the women behind him were
large and from their reaction I did have a momentary fear that I had gone too
far. But I was determined to stand my ground. “This floor is not cleaned
because I have no use for it. We have four among us, five counting you, so the
third floor alone is enough. I have no guests, I host no parties, why pay
someone to keep up what one never uses?”
This new tone of his was soft and dark. I
ignored the warning there as I shot back, “Why have what you never use at all?
Sell this place and all of the things you deem useless within. Better yet,
since you are wealthy enough to throw your money away, give these beautiful
things to people in town that would appreciate them, people who work their fingers
to the bone and could still never afford your nice things! And you let them
rot? You should be ashamed of yourself, master!”
“You have no idea what you are talking
about.” That was his only reply and I thought it had to sound hollow, even to
him.
“I
know exactly what I am talking about! You have too much, you appreciate
nothing, and you have obviously never spent a day of your life as a mere human
like the rest of us!”
“As I said, you have no idea what you are
talking about. Now…” He moved so fast that I didn’t see him until I was slung
over his back.
“What are you doing?” I cried out.
“I’m locking you up, little one. Isn’t
it obvious?”
When I thought of those chains upstairs,
of the helpless feeling that would come over me if he put those cuffs on my
wrists once more I started to kick and shout at him. “Put me down! Damn it,
unhand me you beast…you…” I had never called anyone a vicious name in my life
but when I realized I couldn’t fight his grip and he was again putting the cold
metal restraints against my flesh, I seethed, “You bastard…you son of a
bitch…your mother probably wept the day she gave birth to you!”
When he had me secured against the stones
in the parlor once more he looked in my eyes and asked in a poisoned tone, “Do
you hate me yet, Arianne? Have you come to despise me so soon?”
“Yes!” I lied. Maybe it was not such a lie
at that moment.
“And what about fear? Have you finally
learned to fear me, little girl?”
“What is there to fear, Lucania? You are
nothing but a child…a spoilt child!” He nodded and he sneered at me before
walking away. I spent some of my time beating my hands against the wall but all
I got for my troubles were bloody knuckles. Again I felt resigned to endure
what was done and I went over all that had happened trying to discover what
went wrong. I still felt justified in my anger, I felt that it was he, not I,
who was in the wrong, and I was determined to make my escape as soon as an
opportunity presented itself. I would teach the master a lesson he would never
forget. You cannot bind people to you through fear.
When Cherise walked in I noticed her eyes
looked red around the rims and I could tell by her expression that she had been
crying. “Oh, Miss, I am so sorry. He didn’t mean for tonight to turn out this
way. He sent me to unchain you and to apologize…”
“It is not your place to apologize for
that bastard. He made this mess and he can damned well clean it up for
himself!” She blinked down at me in surprise as she worked to uncuff me. “I
assume it’s his fault you’ve been crying as well?”
“Remember what I told you about his temper
and how he gets? Well, he’s in a mood tonight. But don’t worry as he’s in the
middle of calming down right now. He asked me to take you to the kitchen where
Cook prepared a meal and after you’ve eaten Master will meet you in the parlor
downstairs. The tailor won’t be coming tonight on account of the snow that’s
falling again so you will have the night with Master to get to know him. I
swear by tomorrow you will have a changed mind where he is concerned.”
I doubted that very much but I kept my
mouth shut as I followed her down the almost familiar hall to the kitchen.
Cook, as everyone called him, was still sitting in the room looking perplexed
at a plate of burned Eggs Benedict. “I am sorry it did not turn out so well,
Miss. I am rusty with a stove and I am not used to making such dishes. Luke is
no help. He has never made a meal in his life…”
I sat down, resigned to eat the eggs no
matter how bad they might be. Did I find it strange that there was a cook in
the house who could not actually cook? I just came from chains on a wall.
Nothing surprised me about Luke’s household. “This smells wonderful, Sir, and
you needn’t cook for me at all. I could always make my own meals.”
“You cook?” The man asked, his eyes
lighting up. I couldn’t help but notice that he looked out of place. Not just
in the kitchen but in the entire world as I knew it. “We could work together,
you and me. You can teach me what you know and I could show you some dishes of
the Mediterranean.”
I smiled at him. Like Cherise, I adored
Cook right away. Mother was like Luke, very guarded and mysterious. But Cook
was a kind old soul. “I would like that very much. If it suits you we’ll start
tomorrow evening.”
With that settled, Cook went on his way
and I finished my meal in silence. I left Cherise behind when it was time to
make my way downstairs. I handled her master’s temper far better than she and I
thought her nerves had been upset enough for one night. I found him sitting in
one of the high backed chairs watching the flames dance in the fireplace. A
part of me wanted to attack him immediately but I refrained. If we were to live
together until I figured a way out, we might as well attempt to get along.
There was one question I did need an answer to and I asked as soon as I took
the chair at his side. “Do you intend to chain me up every time I cross you?”
He winced as if I had smacked him but he
kept his gaze on the fire as he replied, “I did not chain you up because you
crossed me, you little fool. There are things that go on here that I cannot
risk you seeing.”
“What things?” I asked.
Now he faced me as he spat out, “If I
wanted you to know I would not have chained you up! Tomorrow night we, the
others and me, will begin a new routine so the chains can come down. Does that
suit you?”
“Do you expect me to say no?” I countered.
For a while we sat in silence, him and me.
It was unnerving to be alone with him but I discovered a peace in our silence.
His presence felt good to me despite my many reservations toward him. It was
his words that seemed always to excite my temper. “Would you like to see the
rest of the house? After your passionate speech I assume you will want to do
your damage elsewhere. It will keep you occupied if nothing else.”
I stood when he did, following him through
the familiar foyer and on toward a part of the first floor I had not gotten
around to earlier. The candelabra in his hand cast shadows on the walls as we
walked in silence and when he stopped it was so abrupt that I almost ran into
him. “This was my study,” he said as he opened the door, “not to be confused
with the library which is down the hall.”
“You have a library?” I exclaimed in
shock. I barely noticed the room around me, grand as I am sure it was, for his
words.
“Of course!” I was mildly irritated with
his blasĂ© attitude on the subject but I said nothing. “And judging but that
look in your eyes I would say we should head in that direction.”
My breath caught when Lucania threw open
those heavy double doors. This room was not like the rest of the first floor.
Aside from its sheer size (at that moment I thought my whole village could fit
in that room though now I know it was typical for a castle) that was the thing
I noticed right off. Since that night I have seen much more of the world but I
have yet to see more books in one private collection. It was circular in shape,
or so it appeared at first glance, and from floor to high ceiling stood the
bound treasures I loved so much. “Are you going to comment? I would never have
guessed you had it in you to become speechless!” My guide said with a laugh as
he took a seat in one of the few chairs in the room. Despite the size and the
books there were only two chairs and two small tables in way of furniture. In
my mind I was redecorating when he finally grew impatient enough to bark out, “Damn
it girl, sit down already!”
I did as I was told but my eyes were still
drinking in the beauty all around me. There was a massive chandelier made of
what appeared to be gold and crystal and there were more candles on the walls,
on the mantles, even one apiece upon the tiny tables. On the ceiling was
painted a beautiful mural but it was so high that I couldn’t make out the
pictures. Two huge fireplaces were glowing to the left and right of us. And in
this room there was no sign of the neglect that had taken over the rest of the
floor. At last I tried to speak. “Lucania…this is a dream!”
“This is no dream, I assure you. And
please call me Luke.” He paused for a moment while he stood to poke one of the
fires. “These are my most beloved possessions. I have collected them in my
travels. Some of them are quite old, others have been in the world less than a
year. They are all in different languages…You read, I assume?”
“Oh yes.” I replied emphatically.
“I knew it by your reaction. Well, you are
welcomed to come in and borrow what you like. There is a sliding ladder for the
books that require great reach…I used to put them in order of language but now
I put them in order of age. Still, I am sure some of the newer ones toward the
bottom are in French…”
“I read other languages as well.” I said
simply. When he turned around I saw surprise on his face and I went on
realizing Cherise had neglected to share this information with her Master.
“Yes. I read English, Spanish, Italian, German, Latin, Greek…”
“Greek?”
Cherise had lit up when she found out but
Luke’s face grew darker, more mysterious. I was half afraid to answer him.
“Yes. I also speak these languages.”
“That is...interesting.” As soon as it
came, the look passed from his eyes and he came toward me once more. “Well, you
are welcomed to read anything except the ones on the top self all the way
around. Those are the…oldest…and no one touches them anymore. If we are going
to finish our tour we should probably go.”
That night I went to sleep with the
lightest feeling in my heart. I was happier than I had been in many years and
in that happiness it was easy to forget the situation surrounding it. My door
remained unlocked and this made it even easier for me to forget that I was a
prisoner in this palace. Before dreams came I was even starting to entertain
the notion that my father, bless his soul, had led me to Lucania so I might at
last have the life he had always wished for me.
Chapter 3
The next day I arose at an early hour, ate
my breakfast surrounded again by silence, and started my work on what was left
of the first floor after finding the front door locked just as it had been the
day before, from the outside. Like the previous evening, Lucania and his family
returned with the night, a little later than before, and with a stranger in
tow. He was introduced to me as the long awaited tailor who would fit me for my
new wardrobe. I knew the man in my village that had his shop of dresses and I
realized immediately that this man must have come from a village that was not
my own as I had never lain eyes on him before. Again I felt that pang of
disappointment in myself for the fact that I had never even bothered to travel
to a neighboring town once in my life. But that disappointment was pushed aside
as excitement welled up at the thought of my first set of clothes that had
never belonged to one of my sisters before being passed to me. The whole ritual
of being fitted and looking over cloth and patterns was just another aspect of
the dream I felt like I had found myself in.
Instead of being angry with me for the
work I had done around the house, Luke seemed genuinely pleased and after the
tailor had retired to a room on the third floor where he would stay the night,
the master of the house and I sat down and talked of his new plans. “You are
right. I’ve let this place go and after the effort you’ve put into making it
beautiful again it would almost be a sin for me to let it fall back into
disrepair once more. I am hiring a staff from your little hamlet to come during
the day and keep things up. They shall take up the task of the second floor so
tomorrow you are free. You may now spend your days with the books if you
choose…or making the dishes Cook is preparing to show you as we speak.” He
sniffed the air and while I caught only the scent of candle wax, he smiled at
something more. “You should probably go up there before he burns us out. I’m
going out for the night. I’ll see you on the morrow.”
Of course I didn’t ask him where he was off
to on such a bitterly cold night. I had no right to ask. But a part of me
wished we were intimate enough for me to wrap a scarf around his neck and beg
him to be cautious. Waving the ridiculous thought from my mind, I walked
upstairs sure that Luke had been wrong until I entered the kitchen to find Cook
struggling with the lighting of the stove. I gave him a sympathetic smile as I
showed him the simple task and suddenly he was helpless no more as he showed me
how to make fasolada. It was the start of a culinary give and take between us,
one of his recipes for one of my own. He was quite a wonder in the kitchen as
it turned out. He only needed help with the food of my country. During those
long winter nights and the lonely quiet mornings, I found solace both in the
things he taught me and in the treasures of the library down stairs.
Lucania kept his promise and the next
morning there were indeed a staff of my townsfolk at the door ready to work.
They had been summoned by the tailor posing as the master, something I found
odd, and they all wanted to know how I had come to be there. Something told me
I could not speak the truth to them. Instead I made up my first lie I could ever
remember telling. It was a practice I would in time get very good at thanks to
those around me and it should have felt strange that first time but some part
of me seemed born to do it. I told them the master of the house was my mother’s
third cousin and he had come back to his ancestral home just weeks before. Upon
hearing of my father’s death he sent for me. I had no suitors, I was alone, and
he had promised my father in a letter that he would care for me. It was as
simple as that. They believed the tale, commented on my good fortune, and went
to their work with silent jealousy making them almost unrecognizable to me.
That was the first day I found myself in
one of the high back chairs by the fire with the sun all around me and a book
in my lap. I passed over those in French as I knew most of them and I moved on
to a beautiful novel of love and death in Italian. I barely realized night had
fallen and I might not have noticed at all had my page not become impossible to
see in the dark. Lighting a candle I simply went on, weeping at the beautiful
pain in those pages, until I was startled out of my paper world by a tap on my
shoulder. “Have you been here all day?”
For a moment when I looked up I didn’t see
Luke before me but rather the doomed prince from my book come back from the
dead to claim his true love. I was almost so lost in the fantasy that the words
of love that I knew I had felt growing since our eyes first met nearly spilled
from my mouth. Luckily reality returned and with it my good sense so instead I
gave him a smile as I closed the book I had finished some time before and I
wiped my eyes and my mind of the haunting story that had continued inside my
head. “Yes, I suppose I have. Is it very late?”
“No, not very late.” He replied softly as
I stood to put the book back in its place on the shelf. “How did things go with
the cleaning people today? Were they glad to see you?”
A bitter laugh escaped me and it took me
by surprise. “They believe I have fallen into great fortune. That isn’t
something you typically see around these parts so the same people I once played
with before we could properly walk now despise me. Yes, all went well.”
I tried to walk past him but he stopped me
in my tracks and put reassuring hands upon my shoulders. “Surely that is not
true. After your loss I imagine they are all happy that you have found a home
so nice. People who are a part of you cannot be so cold.”
There came again that unfamiliar
bitterness and I couldn’t stop myself from saying, “Really? Is that why you
traveled so far from your home, Lucania?” I knew I should apologize when I saw
the look of pain cloud his eyes but I said nothing and he let me pass.
“Have you seen them yet? Oh…they are so
beautiful! Have you seen them?” Cherise questioned in an excited rush as I came
into the parlor.
“Seen what?” I questioned, very much
confused.
“The tailor finished two of your gowns. He
said they are on your bed. You haven’t taken a look? Well, you must!” And with
that she took me by the hand and led me up the two flights of stairs to my
chamber. I was smiling by the time I walked in because her smile was
contagious. But when I saw the beautiful gowns made of velvet and trimmed in
lace that lay upon my bed, I literally gasped. I had never been one to dwell on
material things but I had never owned something as beautiful as the deep
burgundy and the beautiful lavender garments intended for me alone that were
draped delicately across the duvet. “Aren’t they magical, Arianne? Like
something from a fairy story!”
“Can you call for Luke, please?” I asked
in return.
“Is there something the matter?” She
asked in obvious confusion. In response I only shook my head no as I wiped away
tears I did not understand.
I could not think of a single place I
would ever go where such finery would be appropriate and I knew that the gowns
had to cost Luke a small fortune, just those two without all of the others. I
knew I should decline them. But that was the kindest thing anyone besides my
father had ever done for me and refusing such gifts would be rude. When I heard
his high boots upon the floor I turned and, without thinking, I wrapped my arms
around him whispering, “Thank you. For this and all of the other good things
you’ve done for me, thank you so much.”
His skin was like ice even through his
clothes and he looked taken aback by the gesture but as I broke the embrace he
smiled at me. “It’s no trouble at all, my girl. So long as you are content I am
glad to do such things.”
“But why? Why is my happiness important
to you at all?” I asked softly. It wasn’t distrust for his motives that
prompted the question. I am not sure why I asked it at all. Maybe I wanted to
hear him tell me that he was falling in love with me as I was sure I was
falling in love with him. At the least, I wanted him to admit he cared. Instead
he only smiled at me as he kissed my head and turned to go. “Wait!” I called
out. I didn’t want him to leave. I wanted to speak the truth that was already
in my heart. I wanted to tell him that I yearned to press my lips to his, to
feel his cold skin against my own… “Cherise…she liked the gowns. Since the
tailor is already here and it doesn’t look like the snow will be letting up
anytime soon you might want to think of having gowns made for her as well. She
certainly deserves them far more than me.”
His expression turned to one of
confusion. “If she wanted new dresses why didn’t she simply say so? I would
have gladly had them made for her.”
He lived with the girl night after night
and he knew so little of her nature. Sometimes I looked into his eyes and they
seemed so wise and yet when it came to people he knew nothing until it was
spelled out for him. “She doesn’t want to bother you. Trust me in my judgment.
She would love to have a few gowns of her own.”
Nodding his head, he thanked me and
promised to see to it immediately before he took his leave. He was a puzzle to
me, the strange master of this strange place. He could be so kind yet so harsh,
so wise yet so blind, and though I knew that he had the capacity to love deeply
inside of him, I had never seen proof of this. Yes, he loved Cherise, Mother,
and Cook but while I wondered about the extent of his relationship with the
girl I could see that the love he had for her wasn’t quite the romantic love I
thought he had to give. I wanted to know him. I wanted to sit at his side and
talk of his life before I came, of the things he liked and disliked, of his
life in Greece, a place I had only dreamed of seeing. But there was nothing
about the way he behaved with me that gave me hope of such things ever coming
to pass.
A
few weeks passed and I seemed to follow the same routine with each day. The
tailor finished my gowns and made a new wardrobe for Cherise at a speed unheard
of for me. I had never seen her as happy as she was when Luke surprised her
with the finery. I was content there. I was glad to spend my days in the
library and my nights with this strange little family that had so accepted me.
I longed for the warmth of spring so that I might go out and explore the
grounds. Luke had talked to me of his rose bushes and I had never seen a rose
in my life outside of drawings so I anticipated the day that I would look out
my grand windows and see them all in full bloom. At some point I had stopped
wanting to escape and instead I was anxious to make my place there. What I
wanted most of all was the one thing that seemed the most impossible task for
me. I wanted Luke’s love and devotion. While the family gave me every
indication that I was a part of them, Luke still gave me no hint that he shared
my desire.
One night late in February Luke came in
to the library earlier than usual and he was smiling. Cherise was right behind
him looking unsure and I was immediately confused. “You never told me that your
village has a theater.”
“Lucania,” I said, looking at him in a
solemn way, “I must confess. My village has a theater.” I laughed. I had no
idea why this fact was suddenly important to him.
“Your village does indeed. Thank you for
that information. As it happens, I have a house full of women who are tired of
this long hard winter and they need a bit of entertainment. It’s not exactly
the opera house in Paris but it can’t be that bad. What do you say we get
dressed up and go see a show? It’s Saturday night. Something must be playing.”
“I told him we would be terribly
overdressed for such a small place.” Cherise said softly, as if this were a sin
that might be unforgiveable.
I thought of the women who came to clean
the place once a week and of their hateful stares that seemed to grow bitterer
with each week that passed. I imagined the pain I would feel if I were treated
that way by everyone I once knew and I was sure I would be. As if he sensed
this in me, Luke crouched in front of me and took my hands. “Look at me.” He
demanded softly. I did and what I saw surprised me. He not only knew what I was
thinking, he completely understood it. “Are you going to let them all make you
feel as if you didn’t deserve something better? They said nothing as your
sisters married well, or appeared to. They said nothing of their big houses and
their nice things. And you were the sweetest, the fairest of them all. So who
are they to say you don’t deserve to be here? Be brave, little Arianne. Dress
yourself in the most beautiful gown you have, paint your face in Cherise’s things,
use Mother’s perfumed oils, and walk into that little theater tonight with your
head held high. If you cannot do it for yourself than please, do it for me.
Show me that you know you are good enough.”
“Why do you care what I think of myself?”
I retorted.
He smiled at me and nearly whispered,
“Always asking why I care as if you don’t know by now that I do.”
I didn’t know that at all but I did get
ready and I let Cherise make up my face with her paints in a way that I had
never been made up before. We were like sisters that night as we got ready for
the evening ahead. Mother refused to go and Cook had no interest in seeing a
show so it would be the three of us alone. I was grateful for the warm cloak
and the fur trimmed gloves that Luke had purchased with my dresses and I felt a
bit like a princess as I slipped them on. I was sure that the townspeople had
already heard stories of me up in the castle lounging around all day among my
books and I was sure that they would have resented me for that even if I had
come to them dressed in rags. So I might as well hold my head high in clothes
so expensive that the cost of them could have kept the theater going for years.
But despite that defiance put in me by the few who seemed to scorn me, I
couldn’t help but feel guilty when it came to the many that had never done a
thing wrong to me.
On the carriage ride I began to shake and
I told myself it was due only to the cold but I knew better. I was terribly
nervous. I didn’t want to see hate in the eyes of my old friends but I couldn’t
blame them for it if I did. Suddenly Luke took my hand in his and I nearly
jumped. “It won’t be as bad as all that, my girl. I swear to you, it won’t. The
man who owns the theater, he was a friend of your father’s, was he not? He
watched you grow up. Do you think he would look at you differently because of
your pretty dress?”
“How did you know all of that? About my
father and Monsieur Moreau?” Instead of answering what I saw as a reasonable
question, he only smiled and again silence fell around us the rest of the way
into town.
There had been a little snow fall during
the week but nothing like the snow we had seen a month before and it looked
like many in the village were gathered around the theater and the pub and
tavern on either side of it. It seemed like everyone was tired of being inside
their homes and as the theater and the tavern were the only places where
entertainment could be found, it wasn’t surprising that everyone was there. The
carriage stopped outside of the building that was our destination and Luke’s
driver assured him that he would be there to pick us up when the show ended. As
we climbed out, I looked at the small town square that had always seemed like
the center of the world throughout my life and I realized for the first time
how tiny it looked to me now. Looping his arm inside of Cherise’s Luke moved to
do the same with mine and instead he clasped my hand and gave it a tender
squeeze. We walked forward and were almost to the door when Monsieur Moreau and
his wife appeared. Instantly I was embraced by the couple as I was asked all
about the way that I was fairing in the “big house” outside of town. There were
no traces of animosity from these wonderful people at all. Only the love I had
always known and it warmed my heart more than I would have guessed. Before he
let us go the great Monsieur looked at Luke and winked. “When you marry the
girl, be sure to invite us, won’t you, son?”
“But of course.” Luke replied with a smile as
he led us inside.
I only looked at the man who was so cold
and distant and pondered his response. Marriage? Ha! I didn’t even know his
last name! But I said nothing as we went into the tiny theater that provided
only the most basic comforts to those who came. Still, to me, it always felt
like home. I sat in the center row to the right of the stage, the seats that
had always provided the best view without the heat from the candles up front.
“What are they putting on tonight?” I asked because I had not noticed the sign
outside in my trepidation. All of my frazzled nerves had gone. But of course
they had. I loved that little theater and when I sat before that stage I
dreamed of a day when I might be up there playing the lead as people cheered in
awe.
“It’s something fairly new called IdomĂ©nĂ©e.
It is a tale of…”
I smiled at him. “I know. I’ve seen it. I
used to practice the voice of Venus while I cleaned our home.” Was I beaming?
Possibly. This truly was the greatest place he might have taken me on a cold
winter’s night.
I was lost in the twisted story of a woman
in love with the son of a potential suitor who ends up shipwrecked only to be
saved by Neptune who wants the sacrifice of the man’s son in return. By the end
you think that all will be well. The son and the woman are united with the
father’s consent, he has outwitted the Gods…and then… “Oh, that was just
terrible!” Cherise cried out as we left the theater. She made us sit for five minuets
after the curtain went down to absorb what she had just witnessed. “That damned
Neptune, that bastard! Driving Idoménée insane in such a way! Illione left
heartbroken like that just when she thought all was well for her! Oh, what sort
of person would write such a horrible story?”
Luke put his arm around her as we walked
across the street to where the carriage was waiting as promised. “My sweet
girl, I told you before we left that this play is a tragedy.”
“But you did not tell me some poor girl was
going to go through hell to turn up all but widowed! You said nothing of that,
Lucania!” She protested as we climbed inside. It was the first time I had ever
heard her call him by his name and it made me smile.
Until that night I had forgotten my dreams
of the stage. I had forgotten the times that Monsieur Moreau had allowed me to
come in and watch the shows for nothing, the times that he had invited me to
watch rehearsals if I had time during the day, and the way he had always told
me that one day he would come to Paris to watch me on the stage. It was my
destiny, he always said. I had wanted him to be right. I had wanted that with
all of my heart once. Now that dream was gone. I couldn’t say why I felt that
way but I did. Whatever might have been my destiny the night before my father
died, it was all changed now. “I watched you tonight. I saw the way you
whispered the lines, the way that you lost yourself in the story on the stage.
It seems to me that you would be well suited for that type of work. It’s an
art, you know. But the people can be cruel, especially to women in the theater.
However, if you could endure that…”
We were sitting before the fireplace in
the first floor parlor. As soon as we came home he had asked if I were tired
and when I said I was not, he had produced a nice bottle of wine and he
launched into a conversation about my future even as he poured. He was being
kind. What he did not know was that this dream I once had was so intertwined
with my father, the only person who encouraged me toward dreams of that nature
besides the great Monsieur, that to think of it now broke my heart. ‘One day
you will take to the stage and when you look out I will be sitting right up
front looking with pride at my petite beautĂ©.’ That is what papa would tell me.
He was saving the money to send me to Paris for that purpose, a little at a
time. But when he got sick I spent what he had on medicines and meat, things we
needed. I never told him. I wouldn’t dare. That was his dream and it would have
broken his heart to know that it was sacrificed for reality. “No, I will never
take the stage. It is not for me.” I replied simply, hoping he would leave it
alone.
“That’s absurd. Monsieur Moreau told me
stories, the way that you took to the stage like a duck takes to water, how you
would come and watch the actors prepare and you would show them the proper way
to move or to say their lines. He said if you had not had so much
responsibility at home he would have put you in a show before your tenth
birthday but you never seemed to have the time. He said you have a gift. Why
would he say these things if they were not true?”
“Why did he tell you those things at
all?” I asked in return.
Lucania seemed suddenly uncomfortable and
I watched him shift uneasily in his seat. “I was in the village, at the tavern
to be exact, and he came up to me asking questions about you. I want no damage
done to your reputation, of course, and the fact that I am supposed to be a
distant relative is hardly enough to keep people from talking. So I told him I
intended to marry you. He only wants you to be happy. I think he told me those
things believing that I was your future husband because he wants to know that I
will allow you your dreams. He is a good man and he is very fond of you. He
kept calling you something, a nickname that he and your father used for you…”
“La petite beautĂ©…or just petite beautĂ©.
Yes. All of my life, as far back as I can remember, they called me the little
beauty. They would have disputes over which of them first called me that. Monsieur
Moreau still says it was he, that my father bundled me up the night I was born
and he brought me to the theater to show Monsieur and his wife and as soon as
he saw me he gave me the name. Father contends that the story is rubbish, that
he called me that as soon as I was born, and they will…or they would…” I could
no longer speak over the lump in my throat. For a moment as we spoke of these
things I had forgotten that my father was dead now, that I would never see his
handsome tired smile again, the deep lines in his face from hard work and
worry, or feel his protective arms embrace me. And when I realized this it was
as if I was facing his death again for the first time. I did not want Luke to
see my tears so I turned my face away but he came to me, this beautiful
mysterious man, and he took my hands in his. His skin, always so cold, was
comforting to me then.
“You do not need to be ashamed of your
tears, Arianne. Your father’s death is the greatest loss you’ve ever known in
your short life. From what I know, your father was a very good man and he loved
all of his children but he loved you just a little more because he knew that
you were special. He did amazing things for you considering how poor you were.
He educated you in a way that rich men never think of doing with their
daughters. In this way, though he had little money to spare, he gave you
something that was worth more than a rich girl’s fancy things and no one will
ever be able to take away that legacy. When such a great man dies, there should
be tears. In fact, when a man like your father dies the entire world should
weep.” Luke did something then that took my breath away. He leaned forward and
he kissed me. It was just a soft peck on the cheek but it was enough to put
fire in my belly and joy back in my heart. Then he patted my hair and left me
without a word.
Chapter 4
After that night Luke began taking me to
the theater twice, sometimes three times, a week. Cherise refused to go again
unless she was assured that the show was a comedy, apparently feeling quite
duped by her first experience there and wishing never to repeat that. As
comedies were only shown about once a month, she did not go often. But even
though the people in town seemed to hate me a little more each time I arrived
in my fancy gowns better suited for the opera house in Paris with a beautiful
man at my side, a man everyone believed was my betrothed, I had learned to
ignore their glares and their sneers. Besides, inside of that theater I was
safe from all of that because that humble place of humble shows was a home to
me and Monsieur Moreau would have shown anyone out who dared to challenge that.
More than once Monsieur sat with us once the curtain came up and he mouthed the
words to the shows just as I did. He had once been an actor on a large Paris
stage. His name had appeared in papers and he was celebrated as a great talent.
Then he met a young girl who stole his heart and he left it all behind to have
her for his bride. The two were still very much in love though God had never
given them children, something that secretly pained them both. When my mother
died the two did all they could to help us and even before that they were like
family to me. So it felt right to have him at my side, his old weathered hand
in mine, as we recited together the words of the shows we both knew well.
In March when my birthday came Monsieur
Moreau carried on a tradition that began when I was only five years old. You
see, I received my name from a great tragedy from my father’s youth written by
the great but largely overshadowed Thomas Corneille. The play, of course, was
Ariane. It was a story of a princess abandoned by her love and each year on my
birthday it was shown in the little theater in my village by my father’s dear
friend, the man who helped name me when my father brought me in bundled in rags
with the March snow on his coat. Because this was my first birthday without my
father I spent the day in the library weeping for my memories and I had no
intention of leaving the house that night. I thought, with my father gone, that
Monsieur would abandon the tradition altogether. So when Luke came in with a
grin on his face and presents under his arm telling me to get dressed at once,
I told him no. How he knew it was my birthday, I wasn’t sure. But if he planned
to celebrate it, he would be celebrating it alone. At last he talked me into
putting on a gown I had not yet worn because it was the most expensive and
ornate one in the bunch. It was an emerald green silk that had been imported
from what I heard and one of the packages he offered me contained an emerald
necklace and ear bobs to match. For this occasion he got the entire family to
come out and I tried to be happy but I could not shake the sorrow in my heart.
The whole day I had felt as if someone very important was missing and even with
those I loved around me, he could not be replaced.
As soon as we arrived at the theater my
eyes welled up with tears and I fought as hard as I could to blink them away. I
was silent as we went inside but I was shocked to see that the place was packed
in the middle of the week. Not only was Monsieur showing Ariane, he was doing
so for free to encourage all to come. He was such a good man and I was suddenly
glad to spend this night with him. If I could not have papa, Monsieur seemed
almost as good. Although this was all put together in honor of my birthday, no
one made an effort to come up to me. They treated me as they did every time
they saw me, as if I was an outsider now. And on this night that hurt me very
much. When Monsieur took the stage he cleared his throat dramatically and a
hush fell over the place at once.
“Eighteen years ago tonight
my dearest friend in the world braved a snow storm to bring to me his new
beautiful girl. As we sat here in this very theater and thought of names I
remembered a play, a great tragedy, that I had once played a part in when we were
both young men. The play was Ariane and it had been one of our favorites in our
youth, mine and my friend’s. And so as we looked at this little creature with
the spark of greatness in her eyes we called out the name and she smiled. No,
no, it is true, she did. Every year I
put on this show for her and she sits right up front, where she is now, despite
the heat of the lamps, with her father sitting on one side and me on the other
but this winter my little beauty suffered a great loss. My dear friend, Arianne’s
father, was taken into the arms of God. So this year she will sit with her
betrothed at her side and her father smiling down on her as we carry on the
tradition that he so loved.” Raising his glass in a toast, he commanded, “Rise,
my petite beauté, rise and take a bow! Happy
birthday, sweet girl! May you be forever as happy in this world as you are
right now!” It was the same thing he said every year only this time when I
stood my father was not there to stand with me and Luke did not know to take my
hand and kiss it.
I was in tears by the time the show began
but Luke did take my hand in his and he held it the whole time through. When
the show was done Monsieur insisted we go with him behind the theater to the
little house attached that he and his wife had called home for decades. He
offered us cake and wine and stories of the little girl I had been. Luke seemed
to be interested in these tales so much that I nearly forgot that all he had
told my godfather about our future together was a lie. Mother got on well with
Monsieur’s wife. In fact, I had never seen her smile or engage in light hearted
conversation before and it was nice to watch. Cherise stayed close to me and
she listened to all that was being said looking a bit like a scared kitten until
I showed her around the place and told her my memories of each room. Because
everyone seemed to be fine in their little groups, the men on one side and the
women on the other, I took her back down to the theater and as local boys
cleaned up I put on a one woman play of sorts that I made up entirely as I went
along. I had done this so many times in the past spending all of my spare time
here, even studying my books right on the stage, and I was lost in the moment
until I took my bow and looked up to see that everyone from the house was now
gathered at the entrance clapping for me. I saw Monsieur whisper something to
Luke and I knew what he was saying. ‘See, I told you…take the girl to Paris and
put her on a stage’’ or something along those lines. So I jumped down at once,
something my papa would have scolded me for, and I was quick with my goodbyes
before I walked out into an unseasonably warm night.
“Go ahead.” I heard Luke say to the
others. And to his driver he whispered something before turning to me. “It is a
nice night and after all the months of snow and ice I thought you might enjoy
an evening stroll.”
“I’ve seen enough of my past, Luke. I’ve
revisited enough of the memories for one night. So if you are thinking of
taking me somewhere…”
“No,
not at all. I am sorry the night upset you. I saw your friend when I came to
the village last night and he told me that today was your birthday and that I
had to bring you in for the show, that it was a tradition for you. He seemed so
hopeful that you would come that I promised him I would…”
“You did the right thing. You did. I
would never want to give that wonderful man a moment of disappointment. He has
been so good to me and it is our tradition. He and my father devised it as soon
as I was old enough to sit still for a show. It was right that I came. But that
doesn’t make it hurt me less. I felt my father there tonight. I felt him at my
side. He seemed close enough to touch but when I reached out my hand it was
your skin I felt. I want to thank you for being with me tonight. I am very
lucky to have a friend as kind as you are.” I said to him and I meant it. In
the month or so since we began spending nights together in the village or
reading silently side by side until dawn, I had forgotten that he could be
cruel. I had forgotten the feeling of chains on my wrist and cold stone at my
back. Luke had become something else in my mind altogether and yes, I loved
him. With each night that passed I loved him a little more. And I was grateful
to him for all he had done.
For a long time we
walked and then I realized we were approaching the house. We had gone in a way
that was opposite the usual way we traveled and yet we had returned to the
grounds I knew once more. “No matter which way one takes out of the village,
one will end up here.” I said quietly.
“Yes. From what I
understand, the village was actually built around the house so to speak.
Anyway, there is something I want to show you. I noticed it while I was riding
last night. As soon as I saw it, I couldn’t wait to show it you.” He seemed
excited as he led me through the grass toward high bushes of some sort that
were already full and green though full spring was not yet upon us. I could see
this long line of bushes from my bedroom window and I knew that there was a
line of this sort on both sides of the dirt road that led up to the house. But
it seemed as if there was something in particular that he was looking for as he
led me onward. Finally he stopped and silently he pointed as if whatever it was
that he wanted me to see was so magical he couldn’t even speak of it. Bending
down I looked and at first I saw nothing but then, as my eyes adjusted to the
darkness, I put my hand over my mouth in surprise. “A purple rose? Is that right?”
I asked because in all of my reading I had never heard of such a thing.
“Yes, that is
correct. It is a crossbreed of some sort that I found in the Orient. As soon as
I came here I sent for seeds and I planted them all along the path. I have red
roses in the garden, pink and white and even yellow as well, but these are too
proud to be anywhere but here, don’t you think?”
Purple was my
favorite color and I thought that this Oriental rose, however it came to exist,
was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in all of my life. More beautiful,
even, than the ornate gown on my body or the gorgeous necklace at my throat.
When I said as much, Luke smiled. Then he took my face in his hands and my
heart began to pound as he whispered, “Arianne, my beautiful Arianne, there is
no one who compares to you. Any woman who looks at a rose on the vine with more
love and adoration than jewels or gold, any woman with a mind that absorbs so
much and judges little, any woman with a smile full of life even when she
hurts, is extraordinary. You are extraordinary. Happy birthday, little beauty.”
And finally he kissed me, a kiss so full of passion and fire that it made my
legs weak and my hands trembled. When he moved away I stood a little higher and
I kissed him. I had no idea what I was doing but it didn’t seem to matter.
Whatever the future brought, I would remember this for the rest of my life. “Go
on in the house and ask Mother to bring you the rest of your gifts. I have
something I must do. I will see you in the evening. Dream of angels.” And with
that he walked away.
So much was
running in a river of emotions inside of me that I could not identify how I
felt. I was disappointed that he left like that, happy he had ever stood there
with me in the first place, anxious for the future, sad about the past…I faked
smiles as Mother, Cherise, and Cook gathered around with my gifts that included
my own perfume from Paris and face paints Cherise had no doubt recommended as
well as a set of ivory combs for my hair. They were all very nice things,
things I never dreamed I would own, but my mind was out riding in the night
with the thoughtful man who had purchased them. Before going to bed I wrote a
note to him thanking him for everything but I couldn’t seem to fall asleep
until I heard his horse come up the drive. Where did he go when he arrived? I
still had no idea. I did not know where any of them slept. But I could close my
eyes in peace knowing he was home.
After that night
something came over Luke turning him cold toward not just me but everyone
around him. Even Mother wasn’t safe from his sharp tongue or his quick temper.
He stopped taking me to the theater, he stopped spending time with me in the
library; in fact, he stopped spending time with me at all. So in response to
his cold shoulder, I ignored him. My heart was aching at this change, the
coldness that was again in his eyes, but I was not going to give him the
satisfaction of knowing that. Cherise, on the other hand, took to heart every
mean word, every tantrum he threw. She was in love with him. I knew that. And I
was quickly getting tired of seeing the pain in her eyes and knowing that he
was the cause of it. Finally in mid-April his behavior came to a head and I had
enough of it. My plans were to go down to the library, open the windows, and
read with the scent of the newly blooming roses outside coming in to me on the
wind. There had been a nice breeze outside all day and I had spent most of my
time that past week in the gardens until evening when I would then return to
the books and the escape they provided. But as I was walking downstairs I heard
shouting in the parlor and I walked in on another of Luke’s temper tantrums. I
was sickened by what I saw.
Cherise was at his
side, her face crumpled in pain, and he was going on and on about some repair
that was supposed to be done a week ago, some man who had not shown up. I
listened to this from the doorway where I was watching it thinking he would get
it out of his system and that would be that. Then he turned on Cherise. Even
though his anger, his fury had nothing to do with the poor girl at his side, he
began shouting at her, first in French, then in English, and by the time he
switched to Greek, I could hear her heavy sobs behind the tiny hands that
covered her face. I had had enough of it all. I was finished with him taking
his rage out on the most vulnerable among us just as I was finished with him
pretending not to see what was right in front of his face. “Enough, goddamned
it!” I shouted in Greek. I had never spoken to him in his native tongue and I
think the surprise of hearing it was what shocked him into silence. His eyes
were fixed on me and it was obvious he wanted to shout some more but for some
reason, he said nothing. That was how I wanted it because there was much I had
to say to him. “You have no right to treat her this way and you will do it no
more, Lucania! You will not bring her to tears, not when she loves you so! Oh,
don’t look so surprised, you stupid fool! She is in love with you! And when you
shout at her, when you say the cruel things you never mean, she takes it all to
heart! So you’ve done it for the last time!”
Cherise had stopped crying and she was wiping
at her face even as she looked at us, no doubt wondering what was being said.
In the dim light I could see that there was something, a streak of color where
her tears had been, but before I could give that much thought he replied in a
soft voice, a voice wrought with uncertainty, “But I am not in love with her. I
love her as one might love a child. What am I to do with that?”
For some reason
his words surprised me. I think a part of me had assumed that he used her in a
way that one would not use a child and that she was his lover. Now I saw that I
had been very mistaken about their relationship all the while. “Figure it out!”
I shouted and then I turned to go.
I was in my room
no longer than half an hour before he came knocking. This was why I had sought
sanctuary upstairs instead of going into the library as I had intended when I
came down. Here, at least, he had to ask permission to disturb me and I could
throw him out if it came to that. “Come in.” I called out. And I waited. No one
came. Annoyed at all of this, I got up and opened the door to find a flower
from the garden on top of a note. ‘Meet me in my chambers. I have much to say.’
It read simply but I had to go over it three times to make sure I read it
right.
I had never been inside of Luke’s personal
chambers and I actually had to ask Mother where they were. Instead of saying
anything, she investigated the note and then she lead me up a hidden staircase
one could only access through the lavatory and only if one knew the right spot
in the wall to push on. When I asked about this as we scaled the very dark,
very narrow staircase, she said only, “For his protection, child.”
Again I had the
feeling that there was much, so much that I did not know. I was in love with
him and yet I knew virtually nothing beyond his name and that once he was a
child in the Mediterranean sun of Greece. I had so much I wanted only to ask
him, so much I wished he would share, but I knew it was all but impossible that
he ever would. Nearly five months I had been with him in the same house day
after day and night after night and this was only the first time I had ever
seen where he slept, where he stayed no doubt when he could not be found. I
could probably spend an eternity with him and never know his secrets, I
thought, as Mother left me outside of a door after knocking thrice on it. If I
never knew him, I wondered as I waited, could I ever really claim to love him
at all? Yet when he opened the door he smiled at me and like it did so often,
that smile almost made me forget all else.
“Please, come
in.” He said softly, stepping aside so I could do just that. I sat in a chair
and I said nothing, confused by the meeting as much as by my emotions. “How did
you know? About Cherise, I mean?”
Straight to the
point tonight, I thought. “It’s quite obvious. I would think anyone would
know.” I replied simply.
“Have you ever
had to tell someone who loved you that you did not love them in the same way,
someone you cared about, a close friend perhaps? Can you offer no suggestions?”
I was irritated with him. He ignored me for
over a month and this was what he wanted to discuss? “No, Luke, I was too busy
to get myself into situations like that. So if that is all…” I stood to leave
but he moved quickly, putting his hand on my arm.
“No, that’s not all. Please sit. Be
patient with me while I try to say what’s on my mind. This is not easy for me.
Emotions are never easy.” He began to pace and I sat as he had asked because
this, whatever it was, seemed like something I did not want to miss. “First, I
want to say that I am sorry for being distant lately. We were spending so much
time together and I thought…I don’t know what I thought…that it was for the
best? I am not the sort of person you want to care for, Arianne. I am not a man
who deserves your love. And I saw something in your eyes that night by the
roses that mirrored closely what started to bloom in my heart…it is better
sometimes to cause someone a little pain in order to spare them from a greater
sorrow.”
I started to laugh.
I couldn’t help myself. I wondered who it was that he was trying to convince
here, me or himself, because I didn’t believe any of this. “How do I seem to
you? Do I seem like a fragile flower you fear crushing? I may have been that
once but that was another life and if anyone noticed the change in me I would
have thought it would have been you. I always think of you as a wise man. But
perhaps in some ways you have no more wisdom than the boys in the village. If
you fear love or affection than say as much but don’t kiss me in the moonlight
and then treat me like a stranger and tell me you did it because you thought it
was best. Best for whom? Not me, certainly. I have known great sorrow. It did
not kill me and I do not fear facing it again. Perhaps you are sparing yourself
from such a thing but you’ve saved me from nothing by pulling away your hand of
friendship.” I retorted, proud that my voice did not tremble with the anger I
felt inside. “Who was she, Luke? Who was the woman that hurt you so bad that you
will turn me out for her sins?”
He stopped his
pacing at once and looked at me in surprise. Ah, of course. Only someone who
had been hurt before could fear being hurt again so much. “I have no idea what
you are talking about.” His voice was barely above a whisper and his eyes told
me he was lying. I had had enough.
Standing, I made
my way to the door. “That is horseshit! You know perfectly well what I am
talking about. You’ll turn away from me because of her, whoever she is, but god
forbid you tell me the story. Yes, it would be a crime to actually divulge a
truth about yourself, wouldn’t it? You know everything of my life. What I did
not tell you, you went around the village gathering from those who knew me and
I know nothing about you. It is one of many things about us that appear to be
one-sided. Go back to avoiding me. At least that makes a cold kind of sense.”
When I stormed
out he did not follow me. As if to remind myself that I had thought for a brief
moment that he might be mine, I sought refuge in the yard, the gardens. I sat
in the grass breathing in the scent of flowers trying to remember the way my
heart had beat when his lips touched mine. It was all a lie. Perhaps not in the
moment. I knew he had meant everything that night. But if there would never be
anything to follow it up with, it was a lie now. I began to think then about
leaving. I didn’t think he would try to stop me at that point. Whatever he had
kept me there to prove once appeared to have been proven to him long ago. So I
could go if I wanted. But that was the problem. There was nothing I wanted
less.
“Her name was Charlotte.”
I looked behind me and I saw Luke standing there staring off into nothing. I
thought he would sit down but instead he went on. “She wasn’t from around here.
It was another small French village a long time ago. Feels like centuries. I
can’t tell you the particulars of the story. But I loved her despite all of the
warnings I got from the others, despite my own good sense, and when she told me
she loved me I believed her. In the end she betrayed me. Knowing that each
whispered sigh in the dark, each soft caress, each declaration of love was a
lie, hurt far more than the betrayal. In the beginning she was a lot like you.
And I trusted her as I have come to trust you. So if I pull away when I see the
start of love in your eyes it is not because I don’t care. It is because I
cannot stand one day discovering that you, the sweet girl I see now, are
nothing but a deception.” I tried to follow him when he left me there but it
was no good. He moved too fast in the dark and I eventually gave up on him for
the night when my pleading outside his door fell on deaf ears. No one in the
house saw him for three days after that. The rest of the little family did not
seem worried by his absence but I was. He had never left like that before. I
remember saying little prayers I could barely recall to the Virgin so that she
might protect him. I suppose I thought she would take pity on my female heart
and return him to me. I don’t know. But I was heartsick and I knew only that I
wanted him to come home.
Someone was
watching me. I had not been asleep long but I had fallen deeply into dreams
when I closed my eyes and suddenly I was startled from the maze I was attempting
to navigate in my dreaming world, the one that would take me to something
important, by the knowledge that I wasn’t alone in the room. Opening my eyes, I
saw Lucania at last. He had opened my bed curtain so he could stand back a
little and watch me sleep. “I was very worried about you.” I said softly,
yawning as I sat up.
“I’ve been very
worried about myself.” He replied. His voice sounded troubled, not at all like
itself.
For the longest
time he stood where he was and we simply stared at one another. I thought of
everything I wanted to say the night he told me of Charlotte, I thought of my
fears while he was gone, that he would never return, and most of all I thought
of what I promised the Blessed Mother. I would be honest with him if he returned.
I would tell him how I felt if she would only see him home. It was a promise to
myself really. But now that he was there in my room I could say nothing, do
nothing, but watch him by the light of a weak half-moon and hope that he would
come to me at last. “Sit, please.” I said finally. My heart was pounding. But
he didn’t move, he didn’t speak. He only stood there looking at me in a strange
way. For a moment, just a brief moment, I was afraid of him. I was afraid that
I had misjudged him and that he was in fact the monster I imagined the first
night I met him.
Suddenly he came
to me and when he cupped the back of my neck with his hand I actually pulled
away. But he did me no harm. Instead he kissed me with passion and with
something else, some sort of urgency I could not understand yet. When he broke
the kiss he didn’t flee from me as he had before. No. He looked into my eyes
and then he held me against him and though he did not weep I swear I heard
tears in his voice. “I love you, Arianne. Though I have no right to, though
there is so much I cannot tell you and you may never really know who I am, I
love you. And I want you.” I moved to look at him and again he kissed me. My
head was swimming. I remember thinking ‘This is the moment. There is no turning
back now’. I could have if I had wanted to but all I wanted in that moment was
his cold body against mine. To hell with all I had been taught of marriage and
decency. Here in this world that he created, that he controlled, none of that
mattered.
“I want you too.
I’ve always wanted you.” I whispered softly.
“I assume you’ve
never…?” I shook my head no. “Are you sure you want this?”
“More than
anything.” I replied. I kissed him as I worked at the buttons on his shirt. I
wanted to see him as I had never seen him, or any man for that matter, before.
But he took my hands after I removed his shirt to keep me from going further.
It was nothing for him to explore my body through my thin dressing gown and at
first that is what he did. The feeling of the silk against my warm skin while
his icy hands moved over it was enough to drive me over the edge of reason. By
the time he removed it, I wanted more. But he refused to rush anything. Without
a word he explored me as if I were new territory to claim, his mouth, his hands
working over me as I bucked against him and cried out for release. Finally he
undid his trousers and I saw in the near darkness the beauty of his body. It was then that I got nervous. I wanted to
touch his manhood and yet I also wanted to back away, call the whole thing off.
But without words he reassured me that all would be well. So I laid back and I
waited. “I love you. No matter what happens in the future I will always love
you, petite beautĂ©.” He whispered against my ear as he entered me slowly. There
was pain and at first I wasn’t sure if I could go on. He was so hard inside of
me, so cold, but soon I relaxed and time stood still. It felt like seconds, it
felt like an eternity, I couldn’t tell but soon I was crying out his name and
riding the waves of my first orgasm. Higher and higher he took me and then back
down I came only to go back up again. When he let out an inhuman growl I came
again and it took a moment to realize it was over.
Suddenly I felt
very cold with his body covering mine but I said nothing because I didn’t want
him to move. I wanted to savor this moment. I think I believed that he would
send me away after that. Some part of me thought that if he would ignore me
over a kiss surely he would turn his back on me altogether over this and I
wanted to keep my arms around him as long as he would allow me. He was so hard.
My fingers were gliding over the muscles in his shoulders, his back, his
beautiful black hair that fell around him in waves. When he did move he didn’t
go far. Instead he lay at my side and opened his arms to me. Everything about
him fit me like a glove. It felt as if my body were meant for his as I pressed
myself against him and I couldn’t help but smile. “This means something to me.
I did not take your innocence tonight so I might turn you away tomorrow. I may
be cruel sometimes but I do not play with hearts. If you want me for now I am
yours. One day we might part. But for now…” He paused as he kissed me. “For now
I’m yours.”
This was
everything I had wanted. When I fell asleep, he was holding me as I had always
dreamed he would and he was whispering words of love, the things I had wanted
to hear from him for months. There was no one else like him. I knew that. And
just before sleep came I remember wondering if he was even human because he
seemed like so much more.
Chapter
5
As the spring
turned to summer, the love between Luke and me grew. He seemed so different
with me after our first night together. He seemed different in general. It was
as if he were lighter somehow. He let his smile come easily, he laughed often,
he was even playful at times. I never would have guessed that first night I met
him that such a man existed under his hard exterior. We got into the habit of
going to the theater now and then but not nearly as often as we had in the
past. It was too warm outside to be within the hot and humid play house. So we
spent hours riding around the woods and playing in the gardens. Although no one
discussed it, after a time I assumed that everyone in the house knew what was
going on between us. I was sure Mother did. Sometimes she would come outside
with us and I would catch her looking at us in a way that I couldn’t quite
read. Still, although I fell asleep in his arms each night, I woke up each
morning alone. I assumed this was done in an effort to keep secret what I
thought should be so clear.
We went on this
way for months. If I had ever been happier, I could not recall it. His family
had become my family. His life was now our life together. In the beginning I
was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for him to change his mind and
call it all off, but as the summer began slowly fading into autumn those fears
seemed to pass with the season. I got to a point where I was comfortable with
our life, where I felt I could rely on him to come to me at dusk, where I felt
like it was really possible that he might love me for the rest of our lives.
And just as the tension and the fears disappeared he, in one night, gave me
reason to doubt everything I now knew of his intentions.
The sun had been
down a little longer than an hour and though I was in my room waiting for him,
Luke had not yet come. When I heard a knock at my door I thought it odd for he
had long ago stopped knocking but when I answered it I found Cherise on the other
side. She smiled nervously and said softly, “The Master is requesting that all
of us meet him downstairs in the parlor.”
“Why? And why did
he send you instead of coming to me himself?” I asked, my heart already
pounding in my chest.
“I don’t know.
He just asked that I fetch you.” Again there was the uncertain smile, the one
that made me worry even more. I nodded but I shut the door. I needed a minuet
to sit and compose myself, to ready myself for whatever was about to happen. I
thought I knew only too well what was going on and already the tears were
threatening to choke me. He was sending me away. What else could it be? But
when I was sure that no tears would fall, I held my head high and I squared my
shoulders determined to meet him with all of the strength I had acquired in the
past few months. If I was going to break, he would never see it, I told myself
as I walked. He did not deserve to.
When I arrived in
the parlor I saw that Cherise still seemed worried, Mother seemed resigned, and
Cook…Well, poor Cook looked lost. All of this alarmed me as I ran over in my
mind the things that might have led to this meeting. Was he really making me
go? Had he only kept me there to make sure I would tell no one about those first
few nights and now that I had kept my loyalty for him strong, was he ready to
see me off? My heart sank at the thought but I waited with all the others to
hear what he would say. He cleared his throat and the room was so quiet that
the sound made me jump. “Mother, Cook, and Cherise probably know what I am
going to say. They have gone through many periods of my absences over the
years. They may not like it, perhaps, but they know it is necessary. But you,
sweet Arianne, you’ve never watched me go before. My family, I must travel for
a while. Not long…not like the last time. I shall be gone at least a month but
no more than two. If circumstances change while I am gone, I will write and
tell you where to meet me.”
“What about
Arianne? If things change and we must go, what will we do about her?” Mother
asked as if I were no longer there. I wished I wasn’t. I wanted to be upstairs
packing my things so I might follow him wherever he was off to. I wanted him to
ask me to come along. But it was foolish, that thought, like all my thoughts of
kindness for him, all my feelings of love. Yes, he was telling us before he
went but that did not take away from the pain of his going. And for what? He
would never answer me if I asked. I was sure Mother probably knew just as she
probably knew where he was going but she would never tell us. She was the
keeper of his secrets, his guide, the one who kept things together in his crazy
world. And now it was to her that he gave his response concerning my fate.
“If it comes to
that and she would like to come, of course she may. But if she does not want to
uproot, she can stay here. Leave her the house…”
“I am right here,
Luke! Speak to me about my future! You could at least spare me that kindness,
couldn’t you?” I demanded. I couldn’t sit there another moment. Anything he
would say would be a lie or a half-truth concerning this ‘absence’ of his.
Again he would ask that I understand without knowing what it was I was supposed
to be making allowances for. I had been in his house, in his arms…and none of
it mattered at the end of the day because Luke was going to do as he damned
well pleased with no thought for my feelings on the matter. I got up silently
and went upstairs, locking my door behind me. I had told him in the past that I
wanted not to change him, that he was perfect as he was, but the truth was
there inside my chest where a ball of hurt had lodged. There were some parts of
him that pained me too much and the truth was that he would never change, not
even for me.
He must have
anticipated what I would do because he came in the door with Mother’s key in
his hand and a sly smile on his lips. “I have spares to every room, you know.
You’ll have to do better than that if you want to keep me out.”
I turned from the
window where I was pretending not to notice when he walked in and I replied
bitterly, “No, if I want to keep you out all I have to do is ask for an
explanation or a say in what you do. You would stay out well enough then.”
He was on his way
to where I stood until I spoke. As I turned I saw that he was standing in the
middle of the room with a look of anger in his eyes. “What’s all this? What is
going on inside that pretty dark head of yours?” He tried to smile but I knew
it wasn’t real. So much of what he had shown me lately was like that.
“I share your
home, I let you share my bed without the protection of marriage vows, but you
will never let me share your life. For all of your pretty words and your tender
promises, you won’t hint at that. I have no say in what you do though you have
all but built the life I live. And now you will be gone for what will feel to
me like a small eternity and all you can do is take me in a room and tell me
with everyone else. When you discuss how I shall be handled, for that is
exactly what you were doing down there, I would prefer it if you would do so
with me, not Mother. I think I’ve had enough choices made for me if it’s all
the same to you.”
He thought he
understood. I knew that when he gave me a real smile and came over to embrace
me. “I won’t be gone so long, my love…”
I broke from his
arms and I moved away from him because if I didn’t I knew that I would slap him
in my frustration. “It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter if you were only
leaving for a week! What matters is that you do not love me enough to love me
all the way! That is the problem with us, Luke, and that is what makes me
wonder why I share your bed or your home! What are we doing?”
I sat on the bed,
pressing my back against the pillows as I drew my knees up to my chest. For a
moment he said nothing, he did nothing, he just stood there looking at the spot
where I had been a moment before. I thought he would leave then, go hide away
in his rooms as he was so fond of doing. But instead he came to me, sat beside
of me, and he tried to take me in his arms. When I resisted, he draped an arm
around my shoulders and he said softly in Greek, “There are so many things you
do not know because you cannot know them. I cannot share with you everything.
To do so would put us both in great danger, sweet girl. It is not that I don’t
want to. I have searched for an eternity to find someone outside of Cook,
Cherise, and Mother that I could love, someone I could love in the way that I
love you. But when you are old and you take your last breath, you will leave
me. So I cannot give you all. There are differences between us that you would
never understand and I cannot get around them. But I beg you to try, for tonight
at least, to understand those things you cannot know so I can have this time
with you before I go.”
I wasn’t satisfied
with his explanation. I wasn’t happy leaving things like that. But he was right
on one point. I did not want him to go without having one last night before he
went off. I got the impression from the way that he and Mother talked
downstairs that there was danger attached to this trip and I could not bear the
thought of him being harmed in some way but even worse, I couldn’t stomach the
thought of such a thing happening without us having one more night of love. So
I let him kiss me and I kissed him just as deeply. I let him run his hands
through my hair; I let him explore my body as he had done so much in the last
few months. Where once there was fear in moments like this, now I felt only
lust and anticipation. I wanted him, god help me I did, and I loved him with
all I had. In the days of loneliness to come that may not feel like enough but
in that moment, it was all I needed. His cold skin against mine made me shiver.
I had come to love the feel of it even if I didn’t understand it at all, the
icy way it felt even in the summertime, the hard marble-like feel of it under
my finger tip…I craved it. That was one aspect of him that I would never
question. It was the one mystery I wanted to forever keep in our fairytale.
The next evening
when he came down I could hardly look at him. The sorrow was already settled in
my stomach and he hadn’t even gone yet. While he kissed me and stroked my hair
back from my face, Mother seemed to soften toward us. There was something in
her expression that made me think as I let him go that she definitely saw what
was growing between us, the love that I had for her beloved Lucania. She was
even kind enough to turn away when he moved in to kiss me so I didn’t have to
feel shy about returning the kiss. As soon as he whispered his goodbye to me,
he turned to her and embraced her and it was then I thought he might break with
the emotion that appeared on his face but he did not. Not even as Cherise, poor
dear, wept in his arms and ran from the room when he said he had to go. But as
soon as Cook hugged him, he rushed out into the night, the cool air of early
autumn lingering as a final goodbye. My heart was aching in a way it hadn’t
ached since I lost my father and I found myself whispering a prayer of
protection for his travels that I thought I had long forgotten.
In the days and
nights that followed an almost unbearable loneliness settled inside of me and
it seemed that the company of the others only intensified it. And why not?
Every time I looked at them, every time I walked around the house, the grounds,
even my own bedchamber, I thought of him. It was only in the library that I
found peace. Sure, he and I had shared moments there but since the first time I
laid eyes on that room a part of me had claimed it as mine and mine alone. So
that is where I sought my refuge, amongst the beauty and the books. When Luke
left it seemed my ability to sleep went with him and I spent more hours in that
room than I could count, reading everything I had not read before until I was
bored with what was left. The desire to get my hands on one of the old books at
the very top of the massive shelves began almost as soon as he departed. I
can’t say why but it seemed to me like this was my chance to prove that I still
had a mind of my own, that I could do things of my own accord and I could still
be the mistress of my own life. Perhaps it also seemed like a way to pay him back
for leaving in the first place. It took two weeks before the temptation to peek
inside of those ancient texts overwhelmed me until I found myself at the top of
the massive sliding ladder stretching to reach one of the old books I was told
to leave alone.
Most of the people in the villages around us
would have been highly disappointed in my position because the first book I
took down was written in a very old form of Greek. Fortunately, I was able to
understand enough to read it and make out what it was saying. The text was
about two pieces of Greek mythology I couldn’t remember reading before. The
first was about a creature called Empusa, the daughter of Hecate. As I read a
story was woven about the creature taking the form of a beautiful young woman
in order to seduce men and drink their blood. I thought this odd to be sure but
I often felt that way where myths were concerned and so I read on to the next
tale, one of a former human woman named Lamia. She was not a deity like the
blood sucking female whose story preceded hers but rather the daughter of a
king. Like so many in Greek myth, she had an affair with Zeus and when Hera
found out she, as she was apt to do, turned her rage toward the woman instead
of her unfaithful husband and she killed the children the couple had sired
behind her back. In return, Lamia swore to get revenge by consuming the blood
of infants. At the end she could no longer close her eyes (another hateful act
from Hera) and her face was turned gruesome as a result of her terrible acts. I
thought the story strange, perhaps a bit tragic, but it was the notes I found
in the margins of the book that really intrigued me. The words were also the
same form of old Greek, though they were scrolled by someone in an untidy hand,
and all I could make out was talk of a change, destruction of humanity, and
something about a link…a link between these tales and a change that had
occurred. I was too confused to stop after that.
The next book was
thin and it was written in a Latin typical of old Rome. It was a book about
creatures the ancient Romans called “striges” that could change into the shape
of owls and would drink the blood of babies. Again there was the handwriting
from the first book scrawled in the margins and again the words were in Greek
but this time they were neater on the page and easier for me to make out. The
one sentence that I made out in its entirety said, ‘No shape changing
(lie/myth), no knowledge of anyone drinking from babies, but still a
connection?’ A connection to what? I did
not know but I was determined to read until I found out. Over the next few days
I poured over those ancient manuscripts reading about vampire legends from
around the world. The strigoi in Romania (notes in the margin? ‘Strangest myth
yet. Virtually no truth to it. Only the part about the blood is accurate),
books on German vampire forms like the Alp and the Breslau, fairy vampire
creatures from Scotland and Ireland, the
Upyr in Russia, and finally the most recent book talking of the vampires in
England. It was only about fifty years old, and like all of the rest it had
that same handwriting down to the way it was slanted in the margins. By the end
of it all I was left with more questions than answers and I was about to give
up on it altogether when I found, as I was replacing that last small volume of
lore, what appeared to be a small book. But when I opened it I realized at once
that it was a journal. Not just any journal in fact but Lucania’s…only that was
impossible. Because the date on the front cover made it nearly one hundred
years old.
As I held the bound book in my hand, much like
my own journal upstairs, my heart began to pound. Something was telling me to
put it back, to end all of this searching before I discovered something I would
never be able to wipe from my mind. A thin sheen of sweat broke out all over my
body despite the fact that the large windows were open to the cool evening
breeze. Soon the others would come down from their rooms and one of them might
recognize what I held in my hand. I had to make up my mind in that moment
whether I would put the book back and leave well enough alone or whether I
would walk out of that room with the book clutched in my hands so I could
squirrel it away upstairs and pour over everything that was within. For a
moment I did move to replace it but I found when I tried my hand froze in
mid-air, my heart pounded a little harder, and I could not do what I thought I
must. Instead I found myself trying to stuff the book down the front of my dress
and when I thought I had succeeded to the best of my ability, I walked quickly
down the ladder and rushed from the room. I held my breath as I walked at a
speed that was nearly a run up the two flights of stairs and only as I turned
the lock on my bedchamber door was I able to really breathe. I had done it…yet
the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach all but warned that what I was
about to do would not give me cause for a celebration.
The first thing I noticed when I turned to the
first page of the journal was that the handwriting here was the same
handwriting I had seen again and again in the margins of the old books
downstairs. It was identical right down to the language it was written in and
although it wasn’t impossible for someone to know this form of Greek so
completely in the century before, it was rare. That was odd. But it was the
name, written in English for a reason I could not understand along with the
date that really gave me pause. I had seen that handwriting before and as my
mind raced I moved to get my own journal from the place I kept it so I could
compare the way my name had been written out to the way ‘Lucania’ looked in the
book before me. Sure enough the two were identical. I thought I had been
mistaken and I probably studied the two pieces of writing for over an hour
before I would accept that they were, indeed, penned by the same hand. There
was no denying it. Though how it was possible, I did not know and in order to
find out I swore to myself I would read through this and if it did not answer
my questions than I would find a way to break into Lucania’s rooms upstairs and
I would search until I found the answers I was looking for.
At first I
thought that perhaps, somehow, the date was simply written wrong. The first two
or three entries were nothing more than mundane facts about Luke’s nights with
his little family. Talk of leaving England for France was put on hold when he
met a young girl named Cherise. The entry after that spoke only of his desire
to take her from the life on the streets that threatened to claim her, the pimp
that beat her nightly, and his feelings of a brotherly affection toward her. I
smiled as I read this declaration of affection. But then my heart again began
its hard thud and the sweat again came forth from me as I read that forth
entry. I was shaking by the time I had finished it, the talk of Cherise having
a disease that was incurable, Luke’s knowledge that if he did not ‘turn’ her
she would surely die, and his internal struggle over ‘turning’ a ‘sweet,
precious girl’ into a ‘demonic thing’ like himself. What could that mean? And
if she had some terrible disease once, how was it that she was now walking
through the house a picture of perfect health as I read?
The fifth entry,
the next one, was the one that turned my stomach as I fought to take in what it
was telling me. Luke started out expressing his misery, his pain over what he had
been forced to do. He wrote of the night that Cherise came to him burning alive
with fever talking nonsensical madness of mercury baths and dirty men who had
all but killed her, and he took her in knowing he no longer had time to
contemplate the choice he would make. It was now or never, he wrote, because he
knew she would not live through the night unless he made it possible. He talked
of stripping her of her clothes to alleviate the heat of the fever and he spoke
of going to a neighbor to borrow water so he might wash her down with a rag and
let her drink a little. He tried to care for her while Mother advised against
what he wanted to do, telling him that what was happening, as tragic as it was,
was the nature of ‘humans’ and that he must let the girl die as it was her time
to die. But when she began entering the final stages before death he kicked
Mother out of the room where he was holding vigil beside of her bed because he
knew he could see her suffer no more. All of that was bad enough, confusing
enough since I knew she lived still…but what he wrote next was the part that
literally took my breath away. He told of the way that he bit into her wrist as
Mother had told him to do once before and he drank her blood until her heart
was close to stopping. He then bit his own flesh on his wrist and made her
drink the blood he had just stolen from her. He ended the entry by saying that
for better or worse, what was done was done and he only hoped that his dear
friend did not hate him for it when she woke up a monster.
I
closed the book with a bit of force then because I couldn’t go any further. If
his words were true than this truth would turn my life, my love, upside down. I
mean, he was talking about being a vampire and about making Cherise a vampire
too. And if Mother was the one who taught him how to ‘turn’ her than that meant
she was a vampire as well. My head was spinning, my mouth was dry, and just
when I thought I had pushed the threat of sickness away, I had to run to the
lavatory because the sickness was coming up in my throat. When I could stand,
when my head stopped spinning, I made my way down to the kitchen where I knew
there were bottles of brandy that Cook kept for some of the recipes he had
tried out. I grabbed one of the bottles, thought about the things I might be
forced to accept, and grabbed another. The others had woken up and they had
left as they did every night only that night as I sat on my bed with the
silence of an empty house around me I found myself wondering if they were out
hunting humans for their blood. It did explain quite a bit about the way all of
them lived, even Cook, though it made me sick to admit it. I had never seen a
single one of them out when the sun was shining. I had never watched any of
them consume food despite that fact that Cook spent his nights slaving away
over a hot stove. And when I came did Luke not have to give me melted snow and
did he not have to go to market to find something for me to eat? But if all of
this were true, if the man I loved and those he kept around him were all
vampires, why had they never tried to do me harm? Everything felt like it was
just too much to take in but as I sat drinking brandy from the bottle I knew
that as soon as I could, I would read on.
When I was numb
enough from the drink, I opened the book again to the passage directly
following the last one. According to the date on the entry a month had passed
since Luke had made Cherise into a vampire and they were now, along with Mother
and Cook, traveling through the French countryside to a house he claimed he had
owned for the better part of four centuries. As he described it I realized with
a start that it was the very house I was sitting in. He made reference to a
terrible thing that had happened the last time he was in France and how he
hoped never to repeat such a horrible experience, especially with a newborn
vampire (yes, here he finally said the word) traveling with him. In this entry
he also told of teaching Cherise to hunt, showing her how to read minds to pick
out people who were bad, evil in some cases, and instilling in her the
importance of never drinking from an innocent just as his maker had once done
with him. This was the first time he really spelled out the murder he was
committing, the murder he taught Cherise to commit, in black and white leaving
no room for denial. With a deep breath I went on and this was how I spent the
rest of the night and most of the next morning. The journal had covered the
span of ten years, their first ten years here at the castle, and by the end my
head felt as if it might cave in with the weight of all I now knew. By the time
I fell asleep I had already decided what my next move would be. When I woke up
I was going to find a way into Lucania’s bed chambers one way or the other.
The plan I came up with when I awoke to the
late afternoon sun was quite simple. If I was in fact surrounded by vampires as
I now believed I was, I had roughly two hours before the sun went down.
Although I knew Luke’s bedchamber was made very dark even in the midday, I also
knew that there was a large window at the end of the hall that had no shutters
because they were ripped off during a wind storm the month before and no one
had replaced them yet. Yes, even Luke’s reaction to that now made sense where,
at the time, it had only left me puzzled. When the groundskeeper told him what
had happened he said only, “At least it happened at night.” At any rate, all
three of my companions slept on that floor so I knew that if they were in fact
monsters, I had two hours to get in the room and grab what I could of his books
and papers and get the hell out before the rest of the house awoke. Grabbing
a hair pin from my vanity, I prepared myself for what I was about to do.
I was silent as a
church mouse as I walked up the secret staircase I had come to know well. I was
all but holding my breath when I reached the landing and made my way to Luke’s
door. I must admit that a part of me wanted very much to shout, make some
noise, and see Mother come running because if she did than I would know all I
read the night before had been nothing more than a fantastic tale. But I could
not risk my life just in case the terrible feeling in my stomach was right and
all I had read was truth. So I was completely silent as I used the hair pin to
pick the lock on the bedchamber door. I had never done this before but somehow
I was able to manage it with an ease that surprised me. It took little time
before I was in. I wanted very much to open the shutters but I feared if I did,
one of the men who took care of the grounds might see and mention it to Mother
so I stumbled around with the light of one candle in the absolute darkness not
even sure what I was looking for but hoping I would know it when I found it.
I moved quickly,
perhaps quicker than I ever had before. In his large desk I found papers but
they were mostly correspondences concerning the maintenance of the house, bills
from the tailor, and things of that nature. There was nothing more than mundane
things there and in a way I had expected no less. Knowing what I knew of Luke,
I couldn’t believe he had made a mistake like leaving his journal with its
important truths in the library where I could easily get to it. After
investigating the walls in the room to see if I might be able to find a secret
weak spot where he might hold important documents, I realized that there was
nothing like the book I found downstairs in his bedchambers. As I snuck out of
the room, careful to lock the door behind me, I wondered if perhaps he had
destroyed any other journals he might have once owned somehow forgetting the
one I found. I actually went straight to my room thinking it was pointless to
continue my search. I needed more answers than I had received but if they were
gone…
Suddenly I had a memory of the wall that I
was once chained to. That wall was the only original wall left in the house
that had not been covered with wood, the only one that remained only stone as
all the walls once were. And the second night I was at the house when I leaned
against it just right one of the large stones had shifted slightly. Perhaps it
wasn’t in his bedchambers that he kept his secrets. Maybe it was the parlor
there on the third floor. In a way it seemed perfect if that were the case that
he should keep such secrets in the same place where he once kept me. Armed once
more with resolve alone, I made my way quietly down the hall. I had about an
hour left before sundown and if my hunch was correct, I wouldn’t need that long
to do what I needed to do.
I locked the door
behind me when I entered the familiar room. Mother had a key and if I did take
too long, she could get in if she chose but I would have time to hide the
evidence of my crimes if I could hear her unlocking the door. As I could never
forget my first memories of my time in Luke’s home, I knew exactly where my
chains once hung and I went to that spot as I fought to remember the place
where the stone slab shifted. Pushing on the possibilities I found that there were
four loose spots, not just one, and with much difficulty I began the task of
moving them out of my way. Or rather, I moved the first one, stuck my hand inside
the considerably large spot where it was, touched what felt like a stack of
books, and then I began moving the others. In my excitement and my intense
concentration I could have been caught because I wouldn’t have heard a blast
just then, let alone the turning of a lock. But I was lucky.
Once the stones
were moved I found probably thirty thin books all like the one I had found the
night before and a leather satchel that contained within it a stack of
parchment. I had no time to investigate. As fast as I could, I replaced the
stones, gathered up what I could carry at once, and at a run I took them to my
room before going back for the rest. The sun had started to go down so I knew I
had little time to hide what I had found. My window seat seemed like the
perfectly obvious place so that is where I put it all save for one journal that
I left out to read. It could take months to read all of them. I knew that. But
if I found what I thought I might in the words I wouldn’t need that long
because I would be gone before Lucania returned.
I was about to
start reading the one I had kept out, the one that started twenty years before
the last, when I was startled by a knock on my door. Hiding the journal behind
my pillows, I got up to turn the lock only to have Cherise come in looking
visibly upset. Actually I had never seen her quite like this before. She wasn’t
upset; I realized as I looked at her again that she was angry. “What is there
between you and the Master?” She demanded. Although no one in the house ever
discussed it openly I thought everyone knew what had been going on between
Lucania and me for the past few months. Also, I couldn’t believe I was about to
have this conversation in the middle of everything I had learned knowing that
this was no longer my dear, sweet Cherise as I knew her but rather a vampire
who could kill me in the blink of an eye. But no, she wouldn’t do that, would
she? Because her Master instilled in her the importance of never killing an
innocent…
“Whatever are you
talking about?” I asked in return. Perhaps she wasn’t talking about our affair.
Maybe it was something else she thought she knew.
“I am talking
about you going to bed with the Master…my Master…knowing how I feel about him!
Because you do know, I am sure of it. You are not like the others. They do not
pay attention to the emotions that are hidden by those around them but you do.
I know you do. How could you?”
She looked
beautiful in that moment with her strange white flesh turned a little pink
(something I had seen on all of them at one point or another though I could not
say what created the change) and her light hair an absolute mess falling out of
her chignon. I wasn’t about to lie to her. Vampire or no, she had been good to
me as long as I had been in the house. And she was right; I did know exactly
how she felt about him. But I also knew how he felt about her and I would never
tell her that information so I opted instead to tell her the truth of what was
between us and to feign confusion about her feelings. “I am in love with him,
Cherise. Yes, I’ve been sharing his bed and there was a time when I thought I
wanted to share his life. But I am afraid I do not know what you mean about
your feelings for him. I thought that he was like a brother to you.”
For the longest
time she didn’t speak. She only stood before me with her pretty face, usually
serene, contorted in anger before she hissed out, “You do not know him! You
will never know him! And because of that, what is between the two of you was
doomed before it started! And as far as you not knowing I am in love with
him…you are a damned liar, Arianne, and I don’t believe I shall ever forgive
you for this!”
With that she
stormed out of the room dramatically slamming the door hard behind her. I
thought about going after her and attempting once more to explain my lie to her
but I didn’t have the heart or the energy for the argument. I decided that I
would let her cool down and when she was ready I was sure she would come to me
again. In the meantime I had work to do. I was going to find out my lover’s
secrets even if it meant killing our love in the process. I had a bottle of
brandy left from the night before and I took it from my bedside table. Again I
felt as if I needed it to get me through what I was about to read.
Because Cherise was angry with me and Mother
never was one for randomly visiting with me, I was left alone for a week.
During that week I went through every journal I had found and I was startled by
it all. Page after page going back three hundred years talking of the murder of
human beings right alongside tales of his travels. In the older ones he talked
about his youth in ancient Crete, about his parents, details he remembered of
his daily life there. He also talked quite a bit about the sunshine he
remembered from his youth and how badly he sometimes yearned to see it again.
If these words belonged to someone else I might have pitied him but I was too
hurt, too startled by the things that I read to feel anything else. In one
entry he talked of his history with Mother and Cook, how Mother had indeed been
his family’s slave and how his earliest memories were of her and the love she
showered upon him even though she was only ten years old at the time of his
birth. Cook had been the one who prepared the meals for his family, another
slave. He wasn’t Greek as Mother and Luke were but rather an Egyptian child
stolen from his home. All of this I read feeling, by the time I got to the
oldest of the journals, completely detached from all of it. These were no
longer the stories of the man I loved. No, this was something to be studied and
picked apart…the words of an ancient monster.
The one entry that did make me feel for him,
the one that did make me remember that this was the same man who held me less
than a month earlier, a man whose absence made me weep, was when he talked
about being made a vampire. Apparently Mother was turned first. She had
befriended two men who simply appeared one night in Knossos, the city of his
birth in Crete. The men told no stories of where they came from and they had
the strangest living habits. No one saw them outside during the day, they
refused to eat even if food was set out on a plate for them, and they had death
white skin that was odd for the location and the fact that one of the men, the
one called Lucius, was Greek. Mother started leaving with these men at night
and then one morning, a few months after they came, she didn’t come home. It
was six months before Luke saw her again and when she did return it was to see
the boy she had raised because she had heard that he was dying.
In fact he was dying. He had contracted a
disease native to the Mediterranean at that time and when Mother showed up he
estimated that he would have been dead by dawn. When he saw her he thought she
was a ghost. Her skin was pale white now, her eyes had changed, and when she
wept for him her tears were stained with blood. When he tried to speak his
voice was gone and Mother took his hand telling him she had a way to save him,
a way to not only make him live but to let him be young and beautiful for all
time. She told him her friends, the strange men from out of town, had the
secret and she would have to take him to them. As she told him this he got sick
and when Mother looked she saw that he was throwing up blood. No longer waiting
for his consent, she got Cook and demanded that he help her sneak Lucania out
of the house and to the other side of town. Luke’s memory faded at that point
until he awoke briefly and saw one of the men, the Greek one, hovering over
him. “Are you sure this is what you want, boy?” Luke nodded, not knowing what
the man was talking about. He remembered feeling a sharp pain in his neck,
memories of his life flooding his mind, and then he lost consciousness.
So he had consented to becoming a vampire
without really knowing what he was saying yes to? I closed the journal because
I needed to digest all of this. Mother had done what she thought she had to do
to save a boy that was a son to her despite the lack of blood between them. But
had she regretted it? Is that why, when he wanted to make Cherise to keep her
from dying, she had advised him against it? That was my theory. But knowing
Mother as I did, I doubted she would ever admit to such regret, especially to
Luke who might take it the wrong way. She could be hard, she could be cold, but
never would she say anything that might hurt the man she loved so much. Hiding
the book behind my pillow, I got up to go to the kitchen. I had been living on
bread and cheese for the better part of a week…bread, cheese, and plenty of
brandy. When Cook made the list for the man who got my groceries he must have
taken note of my new habit and he had the man to pick up more bottles of liquor
than I’ve ever seen outside of a tavern.
The other members of the house had stayed
clear of the third floor. Cook had stopped his nightly work on new recipes,
Cherise never came to my door as I thought she would, and Mother…well, like I
said before, she was never one for socializing in the first place. I missed
them all but knowing what I now knew about their nature stopped me from seeking
them out. They had taken me in and befriended me knowing that I was human, that
they were vampires, yet each night they hunted people just like me probably
from the same village I had grown up in. This left me feeling conflicted. On
the one hand, I wanted to run from the house and never return. On the other, I
had never felt as much love as I had had in that house with my own blood
sisters and they were all I had left. All of this was playing on my mind as I
walked to the kitchen and I was almost startled to see Cook sitting alone with
his head in his hands. It wasn’t until I entered the room that I smelled the
food that still sat in pans on the stove. When he heard me come in he said
softly, “I made food. I suppose it is right. You will have to taste it and tell
me.”
I smiled at him. No matter what his nature,
Cook was one of the kindest souls I had ever met and there was nothing that
could make me behave coldly toward him. “Thank you, dear friend. I am sure it
is delicious.” When I patted his shoulder he nearly jumped. “What has you
troubled, Cook?”
“You hate us, Arianne. You are only here for Luke
and you pretended to be our friend…but when he left you stopped talking to us.
If he left forever, you would just go home. That has me troubled.” He replied
softly.
I sat down beside of him, my heart hurting for
the pain I had caused him. I was still so confused, so lost with the knowledge
I had and this only made it worse. How could a monster be sad because he
thought a human didn’t care for him? This was all so confusing, so draining. No
one ever told you how you should behave with a house full of vampires that you
had come to love. “That isn’t true. I care for you and Cherise very much. I
even care for Mother. But Cherise is angry with me…”
“Yes, she is but that’s not me. I’m not angry
with you. I wouldn’t mind if you stayed with Luke forever. She thinks you two
do not belong together, that you are too different, and that it should be her
instead. But he doesn’t love her like that and he has been happier since you
came than I have ever seen him…and I have known him a very long time. It is
time for Cherise to let go of him, to see that he cares for her like a dear
friend and that will never change. Maybe now she will see…”
He paused then
and I realized something that I should have seen months before. Cook was in
love with Cherise. “Why don’t you tell her? Tell her that you love her.”
He looked me in the eyes and I was sure I had
never seen such a sorrowful expression. In Lucania’s journals he had said on
more than one occasion that one of the worst parts of being a vampire is the
intensity with which they feel emotions, as if the inability to feel physical
pain somehow heightened one’s ability to ache emotionally. I didn’t believe it
when I read it. But as I looked at Cook I was sure that Luke’s words had been
true. “Me? Why would she ever want me? She is so beautiful and I…I am only the
cook.”
“She doesn’t feel that way. She cares for you.
I’ve seen it in the way she looks at you. If you only talk to her…”
Suddenly he stood, shaking his head no. “Try
the food. I hope it is good. And please remember us once in a while as you sit
in that room alone. Some people have to be alone, you know. They don’t have
friends who love them. But you do. So don’t stay away so long.” And then he
walked out leaving me in a state of confusion worse than any I had felt before
it. I had decided that once I finished reading I was going to leave. I decided
that the first night, that I would go back to the little shack with my evil sister
and bear my fate in silence. But now I wasn’t so sure. I had grown to love them
all and they had not changed. It wasn’t as if they were human when I came…no,
most of them hadn’t been human in more than a thousand years. Was it right for
me to change toward them? It seemed I would be betraying my own kind by staying
but what had my own kind ever done for me besides mistreat me? The only person
who ever treated me with love and kindness was my dear papa and now he was dead
too. So should I leave those who loved me to go back to those who couldn’t care
less if I lived or died?
After I ate, I cleaned up the mess, grabbed a
bottle and went back to my room. I read Luke’s words about those first years as
a vampire, about Cook being changed because he wouldn’t leave until Lucius made
it possible for him to stay with the two people he loved above all else. He
talked of leaving Greece with Lucius, the other vampire known as Angelus,
Mother, and Cook, of traveling for the first time to countries like Spain and
France, and of finally deciding that it was time for his little family to part
ways from the men who had so altered the course of their futures. Mother, he
wrote, was the silent leader of their clan though he took the reins in many
ways. A part of him resented during those first years what had become of him though
he wouldn’t say it. He thought he should have died that night as was the plan
for his life so he might have gone on to his next life because that was the way
of things. But he knew that his only way out was suicide and he would not
consider that. So he learned to accept what he was and he took note of all the
things Lucius had taught him, what Angelus had taught him, though Angelus was
not much older than Luke. And he expanded on this knowledge night after night
with books he found on his kind and through trial and error. In this way he
made it through the centuries…
Someone was
beating on my door and then I heard Cherise screaming, “He’s home, Arianne,
he’s home! The Master is driving up on his horse right this moment! Come on,
come greet him!”
I
froze. What should have been a happy moment for me was now a moment I met with
fear and trepidation. I had to tell Luke what I knew. To my way of thinking,
there was simply no way around that. I don’t know how he had managed to keep
his secret from me for so long but I could not lie in his arms as he would
expect me to with such a secret between us anymore. But how would he react when he realized what
I knew? What would keep him from killing me, throwing me out, vowing never to
see me again? He had written about a terrible thing that happened the last time
he was in this house. Had it involved a human, perhaps one that he had trusted
who turned on him when she learned the truth? Was it Charlotte, the betrayal he
had mentioned once before, that led to it? It was only when I thought of it
that I realized I had no intentions on telling anyone his secret no matter what
way everything went. With a deep breath I rose, intent on meeting my lover with
my strength intact and facing whatever may come.
He was already in the house when I reached the
first floor. Cherise was hugging him to her telling him how thrilled she was
that he was home safe. Mother was watching the stairs as if she were waiting on
me to come. I gestured to her to go to him, feeling it would be best if I was
the last to greet him but as soon as I did that, his eyes met mine and despite
all I had learned, I felt my heart leap. I wanted very much to go to him, to
feel his arms around me, but I found that I simply couldn’t. The look on his
face changed as I watched from a puzzled expression to one of fury. I was
confused, more so when he walked up to me, took my arm, and whispered, “Go to
your chambers. I will meet you there shortly.”
What the hell was
going on? I wasn’t sure but I did as I was told, waiting on the window seat for
him to come in. When he did, he slammed the door behind him and I knew I had
not misjudged what I saw on his face. He was in a proper rage. In his hands he
held a small bound book that looked quite a bit like the others I had taken.
“My dear Arianne, you forgot one. Here, take it!” With that he threw the book
across the room so that it landed on the bed. “What do you feel now? Hum?
Disgust? Are you revolted by me? Now have you learned to hate me, to fear me?
If I thought you could handle the truth, goddamn it, I would have told you
myself! Now that you know I suppose you will leave and I will not try to stop
you. But if you betray me, know that you will never see me again. I can forgive
many things but putting those I love at risk is not one of them! Why couldn’t
you have simply accepted what I gave you and asked for no more?” He gave me no
time to speak before he turned and left me. I wanted to go after him but I
stayed where I was long after he had gone. Was he telling the others that I
knew? Was he planning to leave at once just in case I betrayed his trust?
In that moment I felt as if I had no choice
but to go. However, I wanted to read the journal he brought me first. I can’t
say why. Perhaps it was just my curiosity or maybe I was truly looking for a
reason to stay. The first entry was just three months before I came and at once
I read through these waiting to see what, if anything, he had written about me.
The first night that I was there, the night that I was unconscious, he wrote
that he was at my side, that he couldn’t help stroking my hair, that he hoped I
would live because I was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. He hoped
the townspeople hadn’t put me up to coming, that this wasn’t another trick like
the last time, because he couldn’t stand to feel for another woman only to find
that her love was fake and that she had been pretending all along so she and
the others might destroy him. As I read on, there was line after line talking about
the way he was falling in love with me, how I made him feel warm, human, and
how it would pain him when I decided to take my leave of him. The last entry
was written the night before he told us he had to leave. It did not speak of
why he had to go, of any danger, but rather of the way that he would miss me,
how he would ache for me until he saw my beautiful face once more. I was
weeping when I shut it and as I looked outside I saw that it was nearly dawn. I
had very little time left if I wanted to go to him and I did, very much.
At a run I went
up the secret staircase knowing he was in his chambers and I beat upon his door
until my fists ached. “Luke, let me in. I am sorry…I am sorry for everything.
But it isn’t what you think. I don’t want to go and I would never tell a soul…I
would never put you in danger. I love you still, you damned fool, and if you
don’t let me in…”
I almost fell through the doorway when he
opened the door. “If I don’t let you in what? You’ll bust through the door? Five feet of pure
fury you are.” He should have smiled with that but he did not. “What do you
want? What could you possibly have to say to me? I am a monster, a beast, and
you…Well, look at you! You are a beautiful mortal woman with your entire life
ahead of you! What is there to keep us together?”
“You were a vampire when you left this house,
were you not? Nothing has changed. I know your secret so you no longer have to
worry that I might find out. You don’t have to hide who you are in the shadows.
I know.”
Looking at the
window down the hall, he took my arm and brought me inside. I couldn’t see him
in the darkness but I knew that he could see me. “And do you accept me? Do you
accept what I am, what I do to survive?”
After everything I had done in the name of
truth, I could not lie to him. “Not yet, no. I have battled with it since I
read the first journal. I have often thought to myself that I had to leave, go
from you and the others I love here. But then I realized that you were all
vampires when you took me in, when you fed me and clothed me, when you loved
me. So now I want to stay and I want to accept it. I know that in time I can.”
In the darkness I grabbed for him and I smiled when he took my hand. When he
pulled me to him, I was finally able to lay my head on his chest and feel his
arms, his powerful arms, encircle my waist. “I love you still, Luke. I know who
you are and I love you still. That is how I know that in time I will be able to
accept who you are. But if you choose to cast me out, we will never know.”
“And how will you feel when you are an old
woman with no children because you loved a monster? How will you feel when you
are on your death bed and I cannot hold your hand in your last moments because
the sun is up or when your skin begins to wrinkle and your hair turns white but
I look as I always have? Will you still love me then?”
“I think in such a case the question is, will
you still love me? Will you want me when my skin is old and my hair is gray
knowing that you could so easily go on and be with another who is as young as I
am now?” I questioned in return for I had surely asked myself that enough in
the last few days.
He kissed the top of my head, my eyes, my
cheeks. “You foolish girl, of course I will. But you don’t know, you don’t
realize in this moment, what you will be giving up to love me for a lifetime.
Casual affairs between humans and my kind are common enough I suppose but to
love a human their whole life? I’ve never heard it done. And I am not
surprised. You will weep because of me, you will feel lonely at times, it will
not be easy, this match. I can never marry you. I can’t give you children. All
of the things women dream of…”
I put my fingers to his lips to stop the words
from coming. “Let’s stop. Just stop with the horrors of the future, with what
might be, and see what is, Lucania. I not only love you, I burn with love for
you. If I left you I would spend a lifetime wondering what would have happened
if I had stayed. The truth is that there would be no happiness in that either.
Whatever divides us, we have this and if it were not binding I would have gone
already. I thought on it more times than I can say. I couldn’t. I could not
leave you even knowing what you are. Does that not tell you something?”
Suddenly he let me go, all but pushing me
away, actually. “It is late. I will get into bed and I will tell you when it is
safe for you to open the door.” He said simply.
But I already
knew that I would go nowhere. I knew the danger to him now. I knew what I could
not do. And I saw no reason anymore for me to sleep in my bed while he lay in
his. If I had argued the point he would only have risked injury to force me out
if it came to that. So I waited for him to get into his huge bed and to call
that I could go and I opened the door, shutting it for him to hear. What I know
now of the vampire senses assures me that he knew I was still in the room. He
could smell my skin, my blood, hear the sound of my breathing and the beating
of my heart but he said nothing and when I was sure he slept I felt my way
around the room to the bed. I stood in place with the bed curtains clutched in
my hand afraid to open them. I can’t say why. Taking a deep breath, I pulled them
back and climbed as gently as I could into his bed, a place I had all but
dreamed of being for so long. In the dark as he slept I would listen to his
chest knowing his heart would not beat for me to hear. I would touch his ice
cold skin knowing at last why it was cold. I would run my fingers through his
beautiful hair knowing at last why it was so silky, so unreal. I would do all
of the things he never gave me time to do in the past and I would do it without
the questions that his body so often formed for me. This was the beginning of
my acceptance, the first step in loving him for what he was.
Chapter 6
I awoke to hard
lips passionately working my mouth. Half asleep, I raised my hand to stroke
Luke’s hair and I couldn’t help but smile against him. All that had passed
before seemed to dim in comparison with the simple joy of waking up with him.
It was like a dream, the way he touched me, and when he entered me I could do
nothing but sigh in my pleasure. Whatever he was, he was mine. And by god, I
loved him. I loved him so much it ached even as it made me grin. “You are a
foolish girl to put yourself at such a disadvantage. I could overpower you, end
your life at once while you are wide awake. How easy do you think it would be
to kill you while you slept at my side? Waking beside of a hungry vampire who
can hear your very heart pumping that precious blood through your warm body?
Foolish is an understatement. Perhaps you have a death wish.” He said in a dark
tone even as he thrust inside of me. I suppose if I had any sense I would have
been afraid. I should have been. But I wasn’t. I had long ago put all of my
trust in him knowing that at any time he might break it. If the stakes were now
my life instead of just my heart, it only meant that whatever game we were
playing, we were certainly playing for keeps.
“The first time I
laid eyes on you I was bound against your wall. You could have killed me at any
time even if you had been as mortal as me. I trusted…” I couldn’t speak for a
moment as a wave of ecstasy ripped through me. “I trusted you then and I trust
you still.”
He made a noise
that was not quite human as he slammed us both headlong into a climax. All of
the times before had been wonderful but this was something different
altogether. This was pure beauty. I wanted him to hold me as he always did but
instead he stood up and he put on clothes in the dark. I watched him the best I
could feeling confused when I realized that he was just going to leave me
there. “Are you going to run again? Is that what this is? You fucked me and now
you’re going to disappear for a month like none of it matters?” I questioned,
using anger to mask my pain.
He moved so fast
that I had no time to register the fact that he had moved at all before his
hands were planted firmly on my shoulders. “First thing’s first. I come and go
as I please.”
I shook my head
and when I pulled away I was frustrated to realize he wouldn’t let me go and I
couldn’t get out of his grasp. “No. Not if you plan to keep on living a life
with me. I am nothing more than a moment in your life, Luke. You were here for
centuries before I was born and you will be here centuries after I am dead and
buried. You have the rest of eternity to be a stubborn bastard who does things
on his own time. But if you want me with you in this way, you will no longer
live your life for you alone. I don’t. I would never walk out without an
explanation and return whenever I felt like it. Give me as much respect as you
get. A vampire you may be but if you are capable of love you are capable of
showing human kindness.” I replied firmly. I could see his mesmerizing eyes in
the darkness, I could feel him trying to get into my head. Not this time, I
thought.
For the longest
time he didn’t speak and then he let go of me and said simply, “I am going out
to hunt. I’ll be back when I’m through.” And though he slammed the door so hard
the very floor boards shook as he left the room I considered that progress.
I was in the
library when he returned. Although I had been a bit too busy to notice the
night before, it seemed that my beloved had picked up some new books and
apparently his travels had taken him to Scotland because each and every novel
in the crate, all of the books that I placed on the shelf, was penned by
Scottish writers. I was reading poetry when I heard his heavy boots outside the
door and when he paused I wondered what sort of mood he would be in. Knowing
Luke, it was just as likely that he would come in and tell me to fuck off as
that he might be in high spirits. One simply never knew from one moment to the
next. As he walked past me his expression was nearly unreadable. Still, there
was something contemplative in his eyes. “I assume you have questions. You
must. My journals told you a great deal but they didn’t tell you everything.”
I put my book
aside at once and devoted my attention to him. This wasn’t what I was expecting
but it made me smile. This told me more than simply that he wanted to share
things with me. It told me that he wanted to continue on with what we had. “I
have many questions. Where would you like me to start?”
He made a gesture
with his hand as if it didn’t matter but he said, “Start with the simple ones
and we’ll work on from there.”
“I read the books
of lore that you had and there must have been at least ten different names for
the sort of creature you are. How did you settle on the term ‘vampire’? Where
did it come from?”
“I believe it’s
Greek, or it comes originally from Greece. The Greek form of the word, as you
may already know, is but one letter off from the word for bat. Some of the
mythology surrounding us links us to those unwholesome creatures, a likeness
that I have never appreciated, personally. The one who made me said that the
term came from the Gods who cursed him. That’s a story for another time so
please, don’t ask me now. However, it was not a word that was used by outsiders
until a book was published about two hundred years ago that brought it into
public consciousness.” Without another word he stood and I watched him go to
one of the shelves and push gently to reveal a very small cubby space. From it,
he pulled a book that he immediately brought to me. “This I hide with care. It
is the only completely true account of our kind that I have ever found. This is
not myth, it is not legend, it is real.”
I opened it gently feeling somehow as if this
was special in a way that even his own words could not match. Something led me
to the back of the book and my heart pounded hard as I read the declaration of
love from the priest who wrote it to the vampire who inspired it. “Who were
they? Father McFadden? His lover? Do you know?” I asked, amazed. So I wasn’t
the only one, I thought. I don’t know why but since I found out about Luke’s
nature I had started to feel quite alone in my love, as if I was the only person
who had ever really given her heart to a creature with cold white skin and a
taste for blood.
“I know very
well. Her maker was made by my maker. Her name is Rapunzel and she was the wife
of Richard the Lionheart.” At this my eyes shot up. “So you know of him? Of
course you would. She’s been wiped from his history entirely but though she may
not know it, people still tell her story and she is quite famous amongst our
kind for the tale you hold in your hands. If she wasn’t the true love of
Angelus she would have been found and killed long ago. But he put out the
warning immediately as did Lucius. Anyone who touched her would burn slowly
until they begged for death. No one is foolish enough to go against those two.
They are the oldest vampires in the world. So no one dared do her harm. Frankly,
though I don’t know her reasons behind the book, I admire her spirit. I also
admire the fact that she made Angelus fall in love with her. If you knew
him…hell, if she truly knew him…you would know that that was no small feat. So
I say long live the princess.” With that he laughed a real laugh. I imagined if
he had a glass of wine, he would have toasted her name. A quick flash of
jealously shot through me but I said nothing of it.
“And what of the
priest? Angelus didn’t…” I let my words trail off thinking of how dangerous a
jealous male vampire could probably be.
“No, of course
not. He was killed by his own church. They burned him alive as a heretic
because of that book. The story goes that on the night of the execution
Rapunzel went mad and after collecting the ashes of the priest, she burned down
the church with everyone in it before leaving the Scottish village. They’ve
since rebuilt it. I was just there, actually. Still, I think her spirit lives
on in that place. You can tell by the way the locals look at me each time I
visit that they have not forgotten the stories they were told of her long ago.”
“Why were you
there?” I asked, feeling that damned jealousy well up inside of me again.
He must have
sensed this because he laughed. “She’s long gone from that place, I assure you.
Besides, even if I did not have you I would never dream of touching Angel’s
love. It wouldn’t be proper. No, I had business of another sort to attend to, an
old friend I needed to see. There was news. That’s all.”
I could think of
nothing else I wanted to know that was basic or general. There was but one
burning question that had haunted me since he first mentioned it, haunted me
even more since I had learned his truth. Asking might cause him to shut down
completely because this was a wound that was still unhealed but I wanted to
know. After all, how can you fight a ghost that you can’t see? “What did
Charlotte do to you, Luke? How did she betray you? Can you tell me now?” I
asked softly.
When he stood up
I thought he was going to walk out without a word but instead he began to pace
back and forth. I was silent as I waited on him, waited to see what he might
say. If he told me he couldn’t speak of it yet I would have understood. I knew
this wound was deep. But he started to talk as if he were far away from me lost
in thoughts better left forgotten. “She came to me much as you did. She
appeared on my doorstep one night saying she had lost her way in the woods and
she had walked for hours…in those days I kept food and drink around in case
suspicious townspeople ever came to call. So I offered her anything she wanted
in the kitchen and when she had her fill, I took her back to her home. Soon
after she came again, to thank me she said, and in time her visits increased.
Then one night, perhaps a year after that first time, she came again, always at
night, only this time she was hysterical saying her father had beaten her badly
and she was afraid to return to her home. Indeed she was in a terrible state so
I sent for a midwife to tend her wounds and I allowed her to stay. I was
already a little in love with her I suppose. And in the months that followed
that love blossomed until we were nearly as close as you and I have been since
the spring. She gave every portrayal of a girl madly in love and I was stupid
enough to believe.”
I wanted to stop
him and I actually stood, prepared to do just that. There was a misery clouding
his features that broke my heart and I wanted to make it go away, if not for
his sake than for my own. But he never saw me rise from the chair and somehow I
knew that he needed to go on. So I sat once more to listen to the rest of his
tale.
“At some point
Charlotte began making trips to town in the daylight hours. She started
observing us all with a close eye and asking questions about the way we live.
Mother was suspicious at once and she was constantly telling me to send the
girl away but this was the first time we had shared a home with a mortal in a
long time. I thought that alone was making her uneasy and I chalked the girl’s
questions up to human curiosity. One night the three of us came home from
hunting and there was a group of men from the town with torches blazing
prepared to kill us all…and she was with them. She was shouting the things she
knew, the things she thought she knew, telling insane tales of people chained
in dungeons, of their cries piercing the night.”
He sat so
suddenly it made me jump. I wanted to touch him, to comfort him. Instead I wept
soft tears for us both. “What happened?” I asked, assuming he would answer that
he and the others fled at once. For a moment I suppose I forgot what he was.
“I killed them
all. What else could I do? They came to destroy us, Arianne! But Charlotte…I
could not, could not, take her life. Despite what she had done, despite the
lies that cut me to the quick, I simply couldn’t do it. She was running through
corpses to save her own life the last I saw of her and that night we packed
what we needed, left the rest, and fled the country at once. We did not return
until the last century.”
“So it was here?”
Looking at me at
last he had an odd expression on his face for a moment as if he had forgotten
that he had lied before on that point and then he said simply, “Of course.” For
minuets that passed like hours, we sat in complete silence. I had so much I
wanted to say to him but it all sounded so foolish in my head so I said nothing
at all. Eventually he said in a tone just above a whisper, “I need to be alone
tonight. I am not leaving, I will be no further than my own chamber, and I will
come to you as soon as I’ve fed tomorrow evening.” He wasn’t asking my
permission but he was explaining his intentions and that was all I really
wanted. After all, how could I demand or desire that a man who was alive for
the fall of Rome answer to me? I didn’t want that, not from him. His strength
was part of what I loved so much. I only wanted a bit of respect. When he
softly kissed my lips I accepted it with a smile and then I watched him go,
retreating to be with his ghosts.
For weeks we did
not speak again of vampire ways. Instead we went on as we always had even
though I had thought when he was gone that such a thing would be impossible.
There were changes of course. I shared his bed every night following the story
of Charlotte and I felt I understood him in a way I never had before. Our time
together seemed real to me in a way that it sometimes had not when the secret
was between us. But the future seemed like something that we would face when it
came. We were living in the present only and I would have been content to do so
for the rest of my life. However, fate interceded with other plans.
I awoke with a
start. I knew that it was daylight outside of our darkened bed, the darkened
chamber we now all but shared. And I knew that if I wasn’t careful, I could
seriously do harm to Luke but I had to get out of the bed. My stomach was
positively rolling and I almost didn’t make it to the lavatory before the
diarrhea came. When the sun went down Luke found me on the floor of the
lavatory where I had spent the entire day and I was too weak to speak. I knew I
needed to tell him that there was a midwife outside of the village…I had been
sick in this way once, the winter before my father died. She was the only one
who knew what to do. She saved me. But I simply could not. The rash, the
sickness, and the loss of rational thought I was already starting to
experience…it was all the same as before and only one person could help me but
I couldn’t give her name. Soon the world was gone and I was back in my mind,
back to childhood days I had long forgotten and a dream I had over and over
again when I was a little girl…a dream of a man…but it couldn’t be. I wouldn’t
have forgotten a thing like that…and besides, I hadn’t met Luke yet…at least
not in this life.
That was the way
it went for weeks. Most of the time I was unaware of the world outside of my
mind. I would catch parts of conversations…Luke begging someone to save
me….Mother telling Luke that just a little of his blood wouldn’t hurt and it
would heal me, that I would never have to know…and then I would retreat back
into my memories of days long gone and the dreams I now knew completely that I
had once had of Luke though I had never laid eyes on him. I felt as if there
was something more, that I had known him in a different time, a different
place…but just when I would grasp the answer, it would leave me to the darkness
of uneasy sleep.
I awoke
disoriented. I had no idea where I was but there was a bitter taste on my
tongue and candles were lit all around me. There was a cold hand in mine and I
knew who it belonged to. If nothing else, I could be sure of that, though I
wasn’t sure if that was real or if it was another dream. Still I squeezed it as
I whispered through cracked lips, “Lucania, my love?”
He jumped at the
sound of my voice. After a moment of stunned silence, he came into his bed with
me (of course it was his…who else’s?) and I knew he was weeping as he held me
to him. “You were dying, Arianne. I could hear it…your heart…it beat too slowly
and your breathing was too shallow. I sent for physicians. One even came from Paris
but they had no idea…”
“Did you find
the midwife then?” I asked, glad that I lived but very confused by the fact
that I had.
For a long time
he said nothing. Finally he whispered, “I don’t know any midwives.”
“So how did I…?”
And then I knew. Yes…I remembered Mother’s words about his blood, about it
being the only way… “Will I be a vampire now?” I asked quietly. I had no idea
what this entailed, my ingestion of his stolen blood. I had forgotten to ask
him if it only took the blood…
“No, of course not!” He protested and I
knew then the truth. That if his blood alone had not healed me he would have
watched me die instead of ‘turning’ me as he once had Cherise. I tried to get
out of bed because this realization infuriated me but when I attempted to break
away from him, to move my body at all, my head spun and I realized how weak I
really was despite the magic blood. Luke saw all of this and gently,
effortlessly, he moved me back against the pillows. “Are you angry that I gave you the blood? I didn’t
know what else to do…Mother assured me…”
“No, I am
grateful for the blood. It saved my life. I am angry that if it had not you
would have simply let me die instead of doing for me what you once did for
Cherise.” I whispered.
Instead of
uttering any sort of denial, he simply pressed his lips to my limp hand and
walked out of the room. Moments later Mother and Cherise came in. Cherise, poor
dear, was a mess. Her blood tears, the ones she had never let me see before,
were dark red on her pale cheeks. Blood, dried and cracked, served as testament
to the tears she had shed for me during my illness and when she hugged me I did
my best to hug her back. When I looked over at Mother, who was sitting in the
chair that Luke occupied when I first woke up, she was smiling a strange smile.
“How are you, child?”
I tried to smile
back but I honestly couldn’t tell if my efforts paid off. “I am alive.”
Patting my hand,
she nodded. “You gave Mother quite a scare. But all is well now.” With that she
walked away and it was the first time I ever really suspected that she might
have grown to care for me, perhaps to even love me, since we had been together.
For some reason this lifted my spirits so that by the time Cook came in with a
tray of soup that made my mouth water at once, my smile came easy. I even
accepted Luke’s presence at my side. Cook, always the gentle giant, put the
tray across my lap and then he hugged me as if I was a kitten and it was that
that had the tears coming for what I might have lost. “I missed you.” He said
simply.
“I missed you
too, dear friend. I missed you all.” I meant those words with a passion I
didn’t realize I felt until that moment.
For an hour the
four of us sat talking of all I had missed in my illness. The end of autumn was
fast approaching, the last of the beautiful things outside the windows of the
castle had died, but something had been born. Cherise and Cook had found each
other at last. I imagined that if it were possible for her to do so, she would
have blushed as she whispered of their love. I drank the soup, a broth really,
that Cook had made me until I could eat no more and then I was given cup after
cup of delicious cold water as I listened to it all. But as happy as I was for
them, I felt tired and in that moment, despite being surrounded by those I
loved the most, I suddenly felt desperately alone. Luke must have heard my
thoughts or sensed my mood because softly he ushered them out, declaring that their
‘patient’ was exhausted. I was grateful. I did not want them to see the sadness
in my eyes and mistake it for something it was not.
“Even with the
blood it will take some time to get well. You were so ill…so terribly ill. But
they have waited just as I have and I knew they would want…”
“No, I am glad I
saw them. It feels like it has been so long…Well, I suppose it has, hasn’t it?
A month? It truly is a miracle I lived even with…your help.” I couldn’t come
right out and say it yet I felt no guilt over taking it. It seemed so foolish.
He took my hand cautiously and when I did nothing to object, he gently guided
my head toward his chest. Yes, I had missed this as well. The comfort in his
protective embrace was perhaps what I missed most of all. “Do you suppose
Mother would mind helping me with a bath? I want one very much.”
Looking down at
me, he smiled. “There is no need to call for Mother. Wait here while I prepare
your water.” He was as good as a nurse maid as he came up and carried me to the
lavatory when he had everything prepared. In addition to the water, he had a
crisp white gown and a robe laid aside for me and he had all of the oils and
soaps at the tub that I used. I was prepared to wash myself but he insisted on
cleaning my hair and the thoroughness with which he washed it had me grinning.
“You find this amusing? My nature only gives my hair its sheen, my love. The
length was mine alone. I know a great deal about keeping it in good order.” He
insisted. Two months before I would have felt passion as he washed my body but
in that moment I felt only tenderness. This increased as he dried me off and
helped me dress until the affection, the love for him lodged in my chest.
We were back in
his bed and I was somewhat aware of the clean sheets and the new duvet that
replaced the old while I was in the bath. There was medicine waiting for me as
well and it made me sleepy almost instantly. As I lay against him I couldn’t
stop the tears as the odd combination of extreme love and total loneliness warred
within me. “You were wrong earlier…when you said I would have let you die. The
blood was our last resort. If it had not worked I would have turned you just
before dawn. I wanted to be strong enough to let you go, little one. I wanted
to be able to say that I was detached as my kind is supposed to be with humans,
detached enough to let nature take its course. But I could have never followed
through with that. No, I had my intentions firm in my mind. I would have turned
you.”
Whether it was
the illness and the very act of coming so close to death or whether it was the
blood of a vampire, I cannot say. Perhaps it was both. But I was not the same
after that. I felt it the night I awoke and I thought in time it would pass. If
anything the feelings grew stronger in the days, the weeks of recovery. I know
now that what I had is a disease called Pellagra, that the lack of sunlight I
was getting because I had been living on vampire time, so to speak, and the
lack of meat in my diet from a shortage around the countryside probably
triggered that second occurrence of it as total starvation had once triggered
the first. But even now the illness itself, the cause for it all, seems
irrelevant. What came from it is what matters. And what came from that entire
experience, my lost month and the recollection of dreams long forgotten, the
dead blood that helped me live, was that I awoke each night after with the
knowledge that I would not know peace until Luke did what he promised he had
planned, until he took my mortal life from me and replaced it with an eternity
we could share until the end of time. Yes, I needed, craved, the blood of the
vampire forever flowing in my veins and I knew one way or another I would find
a way to persuade him even if I had to threaten my own suicide to make sure it
was done.
Chapter 7
I knew enough to
know that I could not simply ask Luke for this thing at first. He spent all of
the time he could with me as I healed and I used this time to ask him things
about his nature. I learned, for instance, that to become a vampire one had to
be drained of their blood nearly to the point of death and then they had to
drink from the vampire who drained them. Although he would not tell me the
entire story of how vampires came to be, he did say that the reason vampires
could not walk in the daylight was because the first one, Lucius, had deeply
wronged the sun god, Apollo. I don’t think I believed this then. I had read the
myths of the ancients of course but I had never met someone who believed them
as truth. I certainly didn’t. In my village there were but two sorts of
religious people. There were the fervent Catholic believers and those Catholics
who did not believe at all but appeared to believe even more than the fanatics.
My father had taken us to Mass often enough but he was cursed with the
practical mind of a scientist, a scholar, even if he had the life of a farmer.
He did not believe in religion. And I simply didn’t think of it. I went to hear
the words of the Bible because everyone did, it was silently demanded, and when
I was in trouble I found the face of God looked like my mother’s and that my
prayers were always directed at her.
Luke talked a
little about his mortal life in Greece after I shared with him what I learned
from his own words but it seemed as if, to overcome any feelings of loss toward
his mortal life, he had completely distanced himself from that time and he had
no desire to bring it up again. At the time I could not understand this. I
thought when (yes, I already looked at it in terms of ‘when’ and not ‘if’) I
became a vampire I would still hold onto my years in the sun of my poor French
home, the smell of baking bread and crippling poverty that hung over my childhood
memories. Of course, I was a fool. I was looking at the situation with the mind
of a mortal who understands nothing about the things one denies in order to
deal with the passage of time, in order to survive eternity. But in no time I
felt as if I was prepared to take it all into myself.
My body was well
enough for me to walk around, first the room, then down to my own chamber, and
eventually as far as the library. The trip to the library came on a night when
I heard the most haunting melody coming from someplace below me. I followed it
to find Luke at a piano in a room I had never seen on the second floor weeping
even as he played. Sitting down at his side I asked him what he was playing and
for the first time he did not comment on my health as he would have if he had
paid attention to how far I had walked. Instead he whispered only that he wrote
it while I was ill and he named it La Petite Beauté after me. Afterward, once
he was fully in my world again, I went to the library with him right on my
heels in case I needed assistance and we stayed there until dawn. But the image
of him and that beautiful song stayed with me long after the night had passed.
My lust for the
dark blood grew as my connection to the illness weakened and I had begun to
dream again those dreams I had in childhood as if they were memories recycled
and played back. For some reason they drove me mad, those dreams, along with
all of the answers that never came concerning them and perhaps that helped fuel
my desire to be free of my mortality. Whatever the case, as the Christmas month
came to us once more, the first anniversary of my father’s death and my arrival
at the castle, I found myself burning with the desire to shed my life like an
unwanted skin.
In my mind I had
already prepared the speech I planned to give Luke. In fact, I had thought of
little else in my precious moments alone. The night before the anniversary of
Papa’s death I felt I could wait no longer. My lover went to feed and I sat
alone in the library waiting for him to return hoping against hope that he
would embrace the idea and if he wouldn’t turn me that very night, I could at
least be a vampire before the New Year came. When he came in there was snow in
his hair, on his long dark eye lashes, and his skin was alive with the blood of
his victim. He looked beautiful and I couldn’t help but smile. “How are you
tonight, my girl?” He asked as he kissed my cheek. Since I came out of my bad
state, he began every night with this question and while I appreciated his
concern I had grown to hate that reminder of the month I lost.
“I am fine. Sit,
please. I have something I want to talk to you about. It’s been on my mind for
a long time, since I woke up, and…”
He did not sit
but suddenly something changed in his expression, his eyes grew dark, and I
cursed myself for forgetting to lock up my thoughts against his mind. “No. Do
not speak of it, do not ask it, forget it altogether and we will act as if you
never entertained such a thing.” He commanded. Then the condescending ass
actually turned his back on me. This simple gesture ignited the spark of fury
inside of me.
Standing, I
stepped in front of him and I crossed my arms over my bosom to make it clear
that I was prepared to stand my ground. “No. No I will not forget it. I nearly
died, Luke. Because that is what humans do…they die. And once I was at peace
with this thought but now that I know what I know, now that I love you and I
know I can have you for all time, how dare you ask me to forget it? If I was
the vampire and you were the human…”
“I would have had
the good sense to leave as soon as I learned what you were. Now, I am in high
spirits tonight. I saw a delightful scene outside the theater and the great
Monsieur…”
Suddenly I
screamed. On this night of all nights I did not want to hear any funny stories
of the dear friend that one year before was with me, holding my father’s hand before
the worst of the storm made it impossible for us to see him again, knowing that
by the time he returned to our shack his friend, the only great man I ever
knew, would be dead. So I let out a piercing scream that had Luke covering his
ears, had the others running to see what the matter was, and when I released
that frustration I looked at him with cold eyes and spat out, “What must I do,
Lucania? Grab the sheers from the garden shed, the knives from the kitchen, and
stick them all inside of me one by one to make you understand that I will have
this or I will end this life of mine? Because I will! This world, the world I
know, holds nothing…NOTHING…for me. It never has. So if you do not turn me, I
promise I will be dead by winter’s end.”
I walked past
him thinking I had made my point clearly. I meant every word of it too. Nearly
dying had taught me that my life could be extinguished at any time and if that
was the way of it, the way it would remain, I could not see a reason to keep on
with the charade. I wasn’t living. I was only going through the motions until
death came for me again and refused at last to let me go… A crash had me
turning around and I jumped back as Luke threw the chair that was usually his
across the marble floor, shattering it as he had already done with mine. “You
damned idiot of a girl, you know nothing! Do you hear me?” The beautiful little
tables were smashed and then he went for the books. Oh, my heart broke as he
ravished the library that was as much a part of my happiness as he was. But I
was truly terrified of him and even Mother, who had been there with the others
since my screaming, moved to shield me in case he turned his temper toward me.
“You are a selfish bitch the same as the last one was! To tell me you will end
the life we all worked to save because I will not make you into a monster, a
monster that murders without care night after night? So end it!” He was in
front of me so quickly that I could only blink as he shoved Mother aside and
put a hand on either shoulder to hold me in place. “End it, Arianne! If that is
what you want, I have no right to stop you! What you will not do is force me to
end it for you because you are too weak, too spineless, to go out into the
world and live!”
With that, he
literally tossed me aside and he stormed out into the frozen night. I stayed on
the floor where I landed and I looked at the disaster he had made. He had done
it on purpose of course, destroying what I loved most because of what I had
said, because of the demand I placed on him. And as I watched some of the books
burn in the fireplaces, as I realized some were torn to shreds as if an animals
had gotten ahold of them, my heart was broken. Mother, bless her, tried to
comfort me but on this night I was inconsolable. Why shouldn’t everything be
torn apart? Perhaps it could be my new tradition for this date… “He did not
mean this, little one. He didn’t. He is not prepared to give you the thing you
believe you want and you frightened him with your talk of death. It has not been
so long since we all sat around you as you lay more in the realm of the dead
than in the world of the living, you know. Don’t weep child…”
Standing
suddenly, I did not bother to wipe my tears. “I should have died, Mother. I
should have died the first time the illness came, I should have died in the
snow outside this place, I should have died last month…yet I am still here. For
what? So I can pretend as if I did not taste death on my tongue, so I can
pretend to believe there is meaning in this temporary mortal existence…”
“The existence of
a mortal is not temporary. For each ending there is a beginning and with death
comes rebirth. The soul is eternal. You do not need…”
“To be a
vampire? How many life times do you think it will take before I find him again,
before I find you again? How many existences will I blunder through between now
and then assuming there is any truth to what you say? I have known him before,
I am sure of it, yet he did not know me when he saw me. And it will be the same
the next time. This is completely pointless. Like I said, I should have died.
You do not give a person a drop of death and then take it all away and call her
a fool for wanting to drink her fill.” I walked away without another word and I
made sure I moved one of the dressers, the only one I could push on my own, in
front of my door after I locked it. It wouldn’t keep him out if he wanted in
but it would annoy him and that was something. Besides, I doubted I would see
him at all in the nights to come.
I couldn’t sleep
that night but I made sure my drapes were pulled tight against the window so
Luke wouldn’t know how restless he had made me if he did come home. Dawn was
but an hour away when I heard his heavy steed coming up the drive. My heart began
to pound in my chest as I prepared myself for a second round to our fight.
Quickly I extinguished the candle and I pulled my bed curtains tight, deciding
that I would pretend to be asleep if he came inside. I doubted he would,
though. Part of me thought that, if anything, he was more likely to come in and
personally throw me out in the cold. But to my surprise he did attempt to get
in the door. As I suspected, it was nothing for him to get past the dresser but
I heard him say softly, “Do you see this? How dare she try to keep me out! The
damn…”
“Stop it,
Lucania. You did not see her face through your red hot rage, the pain you left
her with. To destroy the only things in this house that give her joy? How could
you be so cruel? She is still as weak as a kitten and you tossed her on the
floor like garbage, the same woman you told me you love? You were taught better
than that. Besides, she does have a point.”
This entire
conversation was occurring right outside my bed and I kept my eyes closed and
my mind locked so they would continue to think I was sleeping if they threw the
curtains back. “What? How dare you, Mother! How can you say that? You still
regret…”
“No, I don’t and
I never have. I could not imagine eternity without you, Lucania. You only fear
that I regret it. You always have. Still, that has nothing to do with this
situation. She knows what we are, she has drunk your blood, and she has nearly
crossed death’s threshold twice in the last year. Let us not forget the times
before…you were going to do it once. Have you forgotten? So it seems to me that
when you realize all of this, you, my boy, have three choices where she is
concerned. You can turn her, you can kill her, or you can set her free. There
is pain, loss, danger, all of that in these choices. But you are the damned
fool if you think that after all of this, all that has passed in this place
since she came, you can go on as if all is well and no changes will have to
come! She has changed already. Can you not see that?”
Nothing more was
said and soon they were gone. He did look at me for a moment and I felt his
cold hand stroke my cheek, heard him tell me in his native tongue to sleep with
the angels and awake with the sun, and when they were gone I had too much on my
mind to sort through any of it just then. What would he do? It seemed the most
obvious thing would be to send me away. He knew I would not do what Charlotte
once did. Already he knew that. So there was no danger in that for him. But
perhaps he would kill me instead just to be sure. No, he would never do it
himself but I thought that if he convinced Mother it was for the best he could
probably persuade her to do it for him. All I knew for sure as I drifted into
uneasy sleep was that Mother was absolutely right when she told him something
had to change, that I had changed already. I no longer recognized this woman or
her thoughts though people continued to call her by my name.
I awoke to the
sunlight streaming through my windows much like my first morning there and I
was surprised that I hadn’t missed it all those mornings that I spent in the
darkness of Luke’s embrace. Walking down to the kitchen I found coffee warming
on the stove and a note signed by Cook telling me he ordered the beverage
special for me and he thought I might like some. I smiled as I sipped it,
carrying the steaming cup down to the library. It hurt me anew to see the shape
that beautiful room was in. But I was hell bent on making it beautiful once more
and, perhaps as an act of pure rebellion, I took the chairs and the small
tables from Luke’s own study to replace the ones he had senselessly destroyed.
I even swept the fireplaces of all traces of the books he had demolished and I
was careful with those that were tattered from the storm they had weathered.
Each and every one of them was my friends and it hurt that even one was gone.
But by dusk the library was turned right once more and I went up to my room
hoping to avoid Luke until I wanted to see him. He had been tender when he came
to me the night before, with his touch, even the way that he listened to
Mother’s strange defense of me. But this was one tear in our world that I
wasn’t sure we could ever fix.
I was sitting on the window seat reading
one of the books he had brought from Scotland before my illness when he came
in. I expected he would start right off by discussing the fight as that is
usually the natural order of things. Instead he sat beside of me and said
nothing for a long time. When he stood again and spoke at last, his words shocked
me more than I imagined “I read your diary once, you know. And I remember those
things you said that you had never done. You have had your first kiss, you have
known love, and we can travel as often and to as many places as you like if I
go through with this. But there is one thing I would like to give you before
we…do this thing.”
My entire body was
alive with excitement. I never would have thought he would come this close to
agreeing so soon. Hell, it had been less than a day since he completely
destroyed the library over this same line of talk. Was it what I had overheard
between him and Mother last night that had changed his mind? Had she meant it
when she said he had better do something? A chill went down my spine but
instead I looked up at him and replied only, “Oh, and what is that one thing
you would like to give me?”
“Your first ball. We can invite people from
the village, your sisters, their husbands. We will tell them that we’re to be married
and we are leaving this place so you can also say goodbye. That is a gift in
itself and one that few of us ever had.”
“So you’ve decided that I am not a selfish
bitch, a stupid fool, a damned idiot of a…”
He put his hand up and I
couldn’t help but smirk as he closed his eyes against his own words of the
night before. “I am sorry, truly sorry for ever saying those things to you. But
I am not telling you I will do this as a certainty. I am simply trying to open
my mind about it and attempt, in this idea of yours, to find something good that might come
from such a thing. I have yet to find it but at least I am now trying. And
should I find something that will not make me cringe about it, something that
will make me give you this terrible thing you believe you want, I want to have
a ball before I do it because once it is done we will have to go from here. You
will never see the people you love again.”
“That would not be
a hardship, Luke, when there are no people that I love in that village. People
I share blood with, perhaps, but they are cold and unkind. They have always
been that way. The only warmth I have known aside from the love of my father
was found in your cold embrace, the sight of Cherise’s red tears, laying my
head upon Cook’s chest though no heart beats within it.”
“But there are other villages, other people…”
“And if you were me, would you leave those who
love you, those you love in return, to seek out those other people who might
come to enjoy your company knowing they will never love you like the souls you
left behind? Knowing they would never understand you? I wish I had the power to
read minds right now as it is the only place I will ever hear you admit that
you would not! You were still conscious the night you were made but you were
also dying. And who was it you wanted? Why did you go with Mother? Because it
was she, not your blood family, that had loved you and it was she you trusted,
she you wanted.”
“And if you were dying, perhaps that would
somehow factor into this conversation.”
“I nearly
have…twice just since you’ve known me! Damn it, you said you read my diary.
What more do you need to show you that when I came here I was as good as dead
inside! And if I grow old while you remain young, it will kill me. But if I
leave you all it will surely end the same.”
He came to me, kneeling at my side, and he
took my hand. With a smile he said, “My girl, you are young…so young. You said
yourself that before you came here you had never known love, not the kind of
love between the two of us. You had never left the little place of your birth.
How do you know there isn’t a man, a mortal man, one hundred miles from here
that you would love even more than me if you only met him?”
Moving off of the
window seat, I sat before him, taking his face into my hands. “Because I
dreamed of you all of my life before I met you. I have girlhood dreams with
your face inside. I existed before I met you, yes, but the first time I felt
alive was when I woke up chained to your wall and I watched the man that had
stalked dreams almost forgotten as he walked into the room. I belong here,
Lucania, and no matter where I went in this world there would be no other man
because I belong with you. You’ve told me things plainly and I know that even
if you do agree we may some night decide to part. I can accept that. I will
accept that. But I know with just as much certainty that one night we will find
one another again because I know with all I am that it was I who was meant to
walk at your side. Can you deny it? You have far more wisdom than any mortal
possesses, I am sure. Can you look me in the eyes and tell me that this is all
a young girl’s foolish notions?” When he said nothing, refusing to deny it but
not willing to say I was right, I kissed him gently and whispered against his
lips, “I am strong. I can handle eternity. I can handle centuries without you
if I must. I only ask that you give me forever. You fear too much, mon sombre amour.”
“And you haven’t
the sense to fear enough. I am not just your dark love, sweet girl, I am a
beast. Now, instead of fleeing as you should, you wish to join me. If I were a
wolf in the woods, would you run from me then? I am more cunning, more clever,
and I am decked out nicely in my sheep’s clothing. Yet you would turn from him,
wouldn’t you?” As if he had an idea, he jumped to his feet suddenly and
extended his hand to help me up. I watched silently as he walked over to the
corner where I had carelessly tossed my cloak earlier and I was still in wonder
when he brought it to me. “You have never seen the wolf as he is. That is the
problem. Perhaps the reason why you cannot accept that I am a beast is because
you’ve never seen me as a beast. Would you like to come with me? Can you watch
me kill? If you can and it doesn’t change your mind, perhaps I can say yes to
it all. No other person has ever watched me feed and lived to tell of it,
Arianne. You may see it and decide that you must go. I will accept that. I know
even now that it is possible. But if you cannot watch me take a life how can I
believe that you are ready to make this choice and know that you are prepared
for all of it?”
I put up my hand to tell him that I needed a
moment to think on it. I did indeed. I knew he was right, that there was a
possibility that I would watch him take a life and never see him in the same
light again. But I also knew that he was right about me needing this. How can
you accept what you stay blind to? If I was to decide to be a vampire I would
do plenty of killing of my own and if I were to love a vampire I needed to see
him once and for all as he was, the complete picture. So I slipped on my cloak
and with a pounding heart I took his hand. Although the night was cold it
wasn’t the temperature that had me shaking as I got on the back of his great
steed. I held on to him tightly as he rode thinking that this was the first
time I had left the grounds since the summer months had passed, since my
illness, and that this may be the last time I would want to hold him so tight.
It felt not as if I were going to watch him take a life but more like I was
going to watch him duel. The man I love could die in my eyes by the end of the
night so it was for that that I felt the tears fall against his back, it was
for that that I pressed my body as close to his as I could, and it was to
prevent it that I prayed to the mother of a child once sacrificed for the love
of the world that I would still be able to love Lucania the same come daybreak.
When we stopped
at a place a few miles from the house, I gasped. It was my sister’s home, the
one who had married the cruel man like herself. I put my hand on Luke’s arm as
he dismounted and I whispered, “My own blood, Luke?”
“No, I’ve come
to do your sister a favor. By morning she will be a widow and at last the young
girls in town will be safe from the bastard she wed. Come on. You are going to
lure him out.” When my eyes grew wide, he only pulled me down. “Knock softly.
She is away, your sister, but that doesn’t mean he’s alone. Who knows what
innocent child he’s lured in tonight. I’ve had my sight set on him for some
time but your dear sister stays away all night but once a year. Last year my
plans to kill him were destroyed by a frozen girl I found when I rode out.”
With this he actually smiled. What’s worse is that I smiled back.
“But where does she go?” I asked, confused by
all of this.
“How the hell should I know? Now go, my dear,
and if he calls out sound as young as you can in your reply. Say something
simple, something childish. He’ll open the door quick enough. I’ll only be here.”
And he stayed in place at the side of the house as he pushed me forward.
I had always known my sister’s husband was a
despicable man but I almost couldn’t believe the things that Luke was saying.
Still, I did know that a few children had gone missing in the village shortly
after he married her and settled in their home. But that proved nothing… As I
knocked upon the door I listened for any sounds of a child within and I prayed
that my big sister had continued to swear off pregnancy in the past year,
sickened by the thought of what he might do to a child of his own. There was no
answer so softly I knocked again and then I simply called out, making my voice
as childish as I could, “Hello. Can someone help me? I’m lost in the woods…”
Sure as hell, he
flung the door open as if he had been waiting for a moment like this. For a
moment I was actually frightened by the look on his face but then, before I
could so much as motion for him, Luke moved so fast I did not see him and he
drug my brother in law from his home by his throat. He was whispering
obscenities, accusing him of things that made me sick, and all he received in
return was that ferocious smile. Without further ado, I watched unblinking as
he punctured the man’s flesh. I heard the man make a sound as if he was trying
to breathe and I almost turned away but Luke grabbed my hand. I had never known
anything like what I experienced in that moment. Flashes of rapes, murders,
bodies of women and children, even some young boys, buried by my brother in law
himself right under our feet flooded my senses until I broke the link between
me and my lover and I fell to the ground. When I looked over, the man whose
wedding I had stood in was looking at me with the stare of the dead and Luke
was using a pinch of his own blood to cover the wounds his teeth had created. I
was more sickened by the dead man’s actions than by Luke’s act of murder. “Did
you see it?” He asked me as he helped me to my feet. “Were you able to see what
I saw?”
“Yes.” I
whispered. I was shaking harder now and I felt as if I would never be warm
again. “But how do I know you did not plant those things inside my head to make
me believe you?”
“What would it matter if I did? I didn’t bring
you along to be this man’s judge as his execution took place. I only wanted you
to see what you will see each time you feed if I turn you. I carry thousands of
images like that with me. It is easier when the last thoughts are like his,
thoughts of their crimes. It is not so easy when they think of happy childhood
days spent under the sun, of innocence and peace. You will have them both from
now until you end yourself or until the world itself stops turning. You will do
this a million times over. And I can’t help but wonder how when you can’t even
manage to look me in the eye.”
He walked off
then and for a moment I thought he would leave me. In that moment I was trying
to decide if I would mind it if he did. Because I decided I would, I began to
walk determined that when I reached him I would have the strength to look at
him again. He gave me no chance to as he all but pulled me onto the horse
behind where he sat and began his hard ride home. “I love you still, Lucania.”
I whispered close to his ear so he could hear me above the wind.
“Then you are a
damned fool.” He replied harshly.
No more was said between us that night. In
fact, once we returned he went straight to his bedchambers making it clear that
I was not to follow. I went to take a bath and wash the night away as I
wondered how I could love him after what I watched him do. Maybe it was me that
was a beast. He was built to take lives now and he had been for a very long
time. But I was human still and aside from my initial shock and fear, I felt
nothing at what I saw. Would I have felt differently if it had been a child, an
old lady in her chair?
“Of course you would have, little one. He
would as well. We all would. That is why we do not hunt little old women in
their chairs, you see. Put your head back. You never get the soap out.” I put
my head back so Mother could rinse my hair as I listened to her give me the
first bit of maternal wisdom I could remember receiving. “You love my Luke and
he loves you. Love can make you blind but it is not because of love that you
were not appalled tonight. You knew that man and in your heart you had known
all along that there was something terribly wrong with him. You felt it. Having
someone tell you the truth was the same as having him confirm your fears. You
are not a beast for not mourning that man. The children are safe, your sister
is safe, and perhaps those bodies will be found so the families might know at
last what happened. This is all good. And if the death of one brings good for
many, even humans condone it. Look at war, public executions, it happens all
the time. There is nothing wrong with the way you feel. What you should be
asking yourself is if you can be happy in this life. Is it really what you
want? And if it is not, my sweet girl, then you need to leave. You will only
break his heart and yours if you stay without the change. I could not stand it
for either of you. I will work on Luke but as I do, you need to spend the time
to see if it is what you truly want. This is not a game. It will not pass in a
month. This is forever.”
Silently she
walked out, going not the way she came but up to the floor that housed her
chambers. I wondered if she was going to talk to him now. I also pondered her
words knowing that at last I had heard something that was truth without the
fear.
No more was said
of immortality and Luke avoided me for three nights but on the third night he
woke me up with a kiss and a smile telling me he had just come from the village
and all of the plans was set for a ball on the last night of the year. “The
tailor is working on a gown right now that will make you the envy of this place
for years and years to come. I have done everything I could to make sure that
this one night be as perfect as possible. I personally invited your sisters and
although Adelaide is deep in fake mourning she couldn’t hide the twinkle in her
eyes at the chance to come and see the eligible men for a night. Speaking of
your sisters and their mates…did you know that Agnes is engaged?”
“No.” I
whispered. I did not care. I cared nothing for any of them. The only thing I
thought of was what this meant. “So you’ve decided to do it, then? You’ve
decided to turn me?” I asked.
Kissing me once
more he replied simply, “I said I would give you your ball, did I not?”
In the next
couple of weeks our home was alive with activity. When Luke said he thought of
everything to make the ball spectacular, he had not overestimated things.
People were there constantly, decorating the place for the holidays, bringing
in pianos, making beautiful garments for us all…even Mother got in on the fun
of it. In the year that I had been there, I had never seen the place so alive.
Cook wanted nothing to do with the ball itself but he wanted very much to
prepare the food for it. Seeing that he would be unhappy having it any other
way, Luke allowed this and I was then called upon to sample everything. I often
joked that if he kept feeding me, I would not be able to get into my gown by
the time the ball came. I still had no idea what it was to look like, my gown,
as Luke had ordered the whole thing and the tailor who once stayed with us to
make my clothes, the same one who made Cherise and I a new wardrobe for the
summer months, was making it in his shop, wherever that was. Christmas night
Monsieur Moreau came bringing gifts and telling me that his players were doing
small skits at the ball. He was impressed by the place and he was thrilled with
the way my ‘fellow’ was taking care of me. I would miss him, I knew, when I was
changed. But of all those I knew, he seemed to be the only one who made me feel
that way.
Chapter
8
Two nights before
the event, Luke left to retrieve my gown. At least once each night up until
then I would ask him about his decision to turn me because I could not, in all
honesty, believe that it had taken so little persuasion. Each time I questioned
him he would allude to the ball as if it were the physical evidence of his
intentions even though he never once actually told me those were his
intentions. Still, by the time he departed I saw no reason to believe that this
wasn’t exactly what he had in mind and as I kissed him goodbye I felt like a
bride just days before her wedding.
I began to grow
nervous when the last day of the year came and Luke had not yet returned.
Mother assured me he would make it but we had heard talk of storms hitting
close to the village, of the possibility that our guests might be unable to
make it or that they might be snowed in with us if it hit while we were making
merry. I was very worried that he might have been caught in one such storm.
However, that morning was beautiful. The sun was high in the sky making the
little bit of snow already on the ground sparkle like tiny crystals from my
spot by the window. I sat there on the seat for hours that day writing in my
diary and thinking of the past and the future. New Year’s Eve was a good time
for such thoughts, especially on this year when so much had changed and I was
on the edge of even more alterations.
The rest of the
day I spent around the chateau as people came to put finishing touches on
everything. Cook had already prepared anything that could be stored and kept
good for the event over the course of the past two nights and he had a list
still of things to work on after he awoke. I knew my townsfolk would be
delighted with the Mediterranean dishes he made, so exotic and unlike anything
they had experienced before. In addition to this he made many dishes the people
would recognize and there was an entire table the length of one wall full of
deserts. After my illness I got to see how fast a vampire could prepare food,
the way he could actually use stoves in both kitchens simultaneously and never
burn a dish because of his ability to travel three floors in the span of
moments. He had certainly employed this skill of his for the occasion. I still
wished that he would actually join us for the fun but he was dead set against
it. However, I thought he might change his mind when the people arrived.
For this event
the second floor, the one we never used, had been made beautiful and it was
going to be open to everyone. It was only after it was cleaned and all of the
doors were unlocked that I realized the architectural treasures that floor held
as I had only been in one of its rooms before, on the night I found Luke at the
piano. The most stunning of all was the ornate ball room that was at the very
end of the hall. A breathtaking mural covered the walls, the floor was a
beautiful polished marble, the ceiling was covered in mirrors, and a large
chandelier bigger than any I had ever dreamed adorned the center. There would
be music, there would be plays, there would be laughter, food, and drink…and it
seemed to me the perfect ending for a person’s mortal life.
“He’s still
not back!” I cried out as soon as Mother emerged for the night. I had been
pacing the floors since mid-afternoon even though I knew it was impossible that
he would come before the sun went down.
Laughing, Mother
replied, “Give him time, child. The sun has only been down a quarter of an
hour. We are going out to feed so we look somewhat human and when we return I
will need the assistance of my girls to get this old woman ready for the ball.”
With that she kissed me on the cheek, something that surprised me completely,
and I was left with my worry as people began to come, those who had been hired
to help serve and to play the music.
I waited for
them to return hoping that when they did, Luke would be with them but they came
back a trio just as they went out. Cherise and I helped Mother with her new
gown and when Cherise insisted Mother allow us to paint her face, she agreed
without too much of a fight. The smell of food on the stoves in the first floor
kitchen was wafting up to my bedchamber where we had decided to dress and as I
applied paint to Mother’s lips I was near to tears. “Up or down?”
“What?” I asked
impatiently, irritated that Mother was breaking through my thoughts as I held
vigil at the window.
She only chuckled. “My hair. Cherise wants
to pin it up, I want it left down. So it’s to be decided by you. Up or down?”
“Your hair is too
beautiful to pin up. The townspeople should see you the way you are in all of
your glory.” I replied softly, truthfully. My god, she looked gorgeous, I
realized. Mother was beautiful anyway but with the dark red satin on her body,
so different from the type of dresses she favored, and the paint upon her face
she was absolutely glamorous. I felt love for her wash over me along with pride
that she was part of those I claimed as mine.
Coming over to
me, she touched my cheek softly with her cold hand and she smiled. “He will
come, Arianne. This night is too important for him to let even the worst storm
keep him from it.”
For some reason
the certainty in her tone put my mind at ease and I was able to talk and laugh
as we helped Cherise with her new lavender gown and the chignon she wanted her
hair in. I was painting her face when Mother excused herself and when the
chamber door opened I looked over expecting to see her. My heart leapt when it
was Luke who stood in the doorway. My god, he looked positively breathtaking!
Never one for the breeches and stockings of the day, he had on pants that were
not unlike the fashion that would come a century later. His starch white
ruffled shirt and the blood red frock coat with gold trim suited him. His hair
was pulled back but even that did not detract from his beauty. And to think
that he would soon be mine forever…
Cherise took her
leave as if we had asked her to. I wanted to call out to her to come back…I
needed assistance with my skirts…but all I could do was stay silent in the moment
of locked glances and one thudding heart. “I braved a blizzard to get your gown
to you safely. I hope that you are pleased with it.” He said at last.
I put my hand to
my heart when he took the lid off of the box and lifted the dress for my
inspection. It was truly the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. The color
was a deep blue and it was trimmed on the sleeves and at the bottom in a white
fur. It was absolutely exquisite! When I said as much, he smiled. “Good. I will
have Cherise come back in and assist you but please, be quick. The first of our
guests have already arrived.”
“Who? Monsieur
Moreau and the actors?” I asked, though my mind was suddenly far away. For a
brief second I thought I saw deep pain in Luke’s eyes and I couldn’t imagine
why.
“They are here
already, yes, but I was referring to your sisters. Amelia and Adelaide, along
with Amelia’s poor husband, are downstairs as we speak. In fact if you would
like me to send them up…”
“No!” I
practically shouted. I was uneasy knowing they were so close, knowing I would
soon see them. I knew already there would be no joy in this reunion of ours and
I did not want to endure it a moment longer than I had to. “No, just Cherise. I
would like my true sister to help me get ready for this night.” I replied
softly but with passion. He nodded as if somehow he understood this. Perhaps he
did. When he was about to walk out I was suddenly overcome with emotion for
him. I can’t say why. But I found myself calling, “Wait!” and by the time he
turned to me, I was already rushing toward his embrace. I kissed him but it was
the feel of his arms around me that brought me the peace I suddenly needed. “I
missed you, Lucania.”
“I missed you
as well. Now put on your pretty things and come down with your head held high
and a smile on your face. This night is yours, sweet girl, and I want you to
worry over nothing at the ball.” With that he kissed my head and took his leave
and I began to undress as I waited for Cherise.
As she and I
descended the stairs arm and arm my hands were shaking and my stomach was in
knots. While I got ready she told me how she had met my sisters, that she
didn’t like the look of Agnes’s intended one bit, that she couldn’t believe
Amelia had such a kind husband, and that she could not believe I shared blood
with the three cold women she met. Just the mention of their names was enough
to spoil my excitement and I wished I had told Luke not to invite them at all.
But then when she went into a fit about the amount of Luke’s money that must
have gone into their gowns I was instantly confused. When pressed she explained
that he had been financially caring for Agnes since he learned of my sister
last year and he had recently started to do the same with Adelaide after the unfortunate
death of her vile husband. Now I felt confused, angry, not at all as I hoped I
would on this night. She explained that it was part of the illusion, that of
him being a rich distant relative, but I thought it was something more. I
thought he felt guilt for taking me from them and if that was the case he was a
bigger fool than I had ever given him credit for. Just before we reached the
landing, though, I took a deep breath and I held my head up but it was more
like a fighting stance than a sign of pride.
Everyone turned to
look at me. The room looked like it was full of my entire village and as soon
as I entered the parlor on the first floor all heads turned toward me. I saw
mixed emotions on their faces. Many hated me even more after seeing the place I
lived in and the nice things Luke had but some seemed almost proud of me. As if
I represented them up in the big house, a symbol of their hopes for the future
and of the possibilities that lay in impossible dreams. I spotted my sisters in
a corner gossiping like girls while Amelia’s husband held their drinks but my
eyes were searching for someone else… “You are by far the most beautiful angel
I have ever seen, sweet girl.” Luke declared as he took my hand and bowed as he
kissed it. “May I have the honor of being your escort this evening?”
I smiled despite
the emotions that had been churning inside of me moments before. “Of course,
kind sir.” I replied with a curtsey and though I thought it impossible I soon
found I was smiling, giggling, and enjoying myself with the people around me.
Luke stayed at my side, my hand in his the whole time. And my god was I proud
of the jealous looks I got over him! I wanted everyone to see him that way, as
the great man, the beautiful man who had so completely saved me. Because for
all of his faults that was who he was in my heart. Even the sneers of my
sisters could not dampen my mood. They looked at me as if I was the biggest
traitor that ever lived and when they set their sights on Luke it was lust and
envy that I saw. Why me, they wondered. I could tell it. They wanted to know
how their stupid waif of a sister ended up with the exotic rich stranger when I
was, to them, the most unfit among us. Perhaps they were right. Adelaide’s lips
were fuller than my own, better suited for a pout; Amelia inherited our
mother’s gorgeous blue eyes while I was saddled with a hazel color that was not
so great; Agnes was the one with flawless creamy skin and stunning auburn hair.
Yes, physically they were all beautiful still and would be for years to come.
And it is possible that any one of them was far prettier than me. But their
beauty eroded their souls so I never envied them and as they stood there
looking at me as if I were a bug that should be squashed I could only smile as
I thought of the last words I had said to Agnes, about the two of us getting
what we deserved from life.
“Arianne, Monsieur
Moreau has a favor to ask you.” Luke said as he led me up to the second floor.
“It seems that one of the girls in his troupe came down with a cough and he
needs a female lead. It’s obviously a small production but he believes it may
be fun for you and it will be over in time for us to make the dances in the
ballroom. He says you know the part well…”
Indeed I did. I
learned the lines to this particular play before I turned seven and I spent
hours as a child pretending to be the lead actress on the stage. At first I was
reluctant to take on such a thing but when my dear friend used guilt against me
(I imagined my father smiling down with pride at him for forcing my hand in
this way) I could not resist. As the lead was that of a queen it was decided I
did not need to change and only my hair was done differently as it was pinned
up and a fake but heavy crown was put atop my head. Despite the fact that it
was, indeed, a very small thing I was quite nervous about doing it. When Luke
went through the blasted house announcing to everyone that a great production
was about to start debuting the season’s new rising star of the stage…well…I
murdered him twice with fire in my mind. But from the moment I began the lines
to this tragic story of England’s Virgin Queen from the makeshift throne I sat
upon, I was completely at home. There was only me and the story I was acting
out. The rest of the world was gone. And for forty-five moments I felt absolutely
alive.
The sound of
applause brought me back as I bowed. Everyone was cheering, smiling, calling
out, ‘Bravo!’ and I could not contain my grin. Small as it was, that role felt
like a dream come true. I tried to push away the sudden sadness that came with
the realization that until then, the dream I once had was not actually as dead
as I had believed. Of course it was too late now when I would soon be a vampire
with the stage beyond my reach. I told myself that it was fine, this fact, and
that immortality far outweighed the stage. But as Luke took my hand and sang my
praises down to the ballroom some part of me refused to be convinced no matter
how hard I tried.
As we entered the
ballroom I saw that there was a full set of players and instruments ready to
provide the music of the night and my smile was beaming. There was even a
harpsichord. I had never heard the instrument played before though I had
yearned to after I read about its sound in books. Although it wasn’t
appropriate even for a couple “engaged” as everyone thought we were, I kissed
Luke on the cheek. “You have made three of my dreams come true in the span of
the last two hours. I could never…” Tears filled my eyes but they were tears of
joy. Wiping away the few that fell he smiled his sweetest smile.
“The love you
have given me, the life you breathed into me, it was more than I have ever
given you. I could never repay you, Arianne. You have already paid me by
showing me that there truly is a point to all of this after all.”
With that he led
me onto the floor as the first notes of Bach’s Suite No. 1 began. Over the next
few hours we danced to older tunes from Vivaldi and Handle and pieces of the
time by Scarlatti and Couperin. Somewhere along the line I lost myself in the
music and the movements. I forgot the people around us and I was in a world of
my own where only the music existed alongside Luke and me. I had never felt so
free, so deliciously alive. I never knew just how much I had been missing in my
quaint country life. But on that night I felt as if I had it all. When we took
a break from the dancing so I might eat and we might mingle I was tingling with
excitement for it all. “You have never looked so happy.” Luke declared as he
gave the illusion of tasting something from the plate he had made me. He was so
good at it that I almost believed him. “I am thrilled to see that gleam in your
eye. It was worth it all.”
At one point I
had to use the lavatory and because it was habit, I went up to my own on the
third floor. As I was coming out I found my sister’s fiancĂ© in the hall. This
was odd because that floor had not been opened up to guests. “Did you lose your
way? It’s easy to do in this place. When I first came I used to carry
breadcrumbs to find my way back to my bedchamber.” I said with a laugh. I was
determined to be nice to him despite his cold eyes if for no other reason than
because at that moment I did not have the heart to be mean.
“I believe I
have promised myself to the wrong sister.” He replied with a devilish grin. I
was not amused.
“Pardon?”
“You
are…stunning, Arianne. Luke? Is that his name? He is quite the lucky man to
have happened upon the most beautiful cousin he had in such a way. But tell
me…” He then whispered a question in my ear that was so vulgar I slapped him
across the face for it. Not to be deterred, he tried to crush his lips to mine
and for a moment I was afraid. Suddenly he was gone and when I opened my eyes I
saw Luke with my sister’s fiancĂ© in the air by his throat.
“Don’t kill him,
Lucania. Remember your strength.” I said simply and as if that was all it took
to break his madness, he dropped him at once. “How did you know?” I asked as he
hugged me to him. His opponent had scurried off as soon as he was set free.
“I will always
know when you are in trouble, my love. I will always hear your call. Never
forget that.” Holding me away from him for a moment, he smiled. “Are you ready
to return to your adoring public?” And just like that the incident was forgotten
and we were back inside the spell of the night.
It was four in
the morning before everyone had gone. I had seen the last of the guests out but
Luke had disappeared somewhere. Just as I shut the door, ready to go to sleep
in his arms after the excitement of the night, he was behind me and the pained
look I thought I saw much earlier was now obvious in his eyes. “Are you happy?”
He asked suddenly.
I laughed,
wondering where this was going. “Of course. Like I said before, you made all my
dreams come true tonight.”
“And will you
promise to never doubt my love?”
Suddenly I
thought I knew where he was going with this and my breath hitched in my chest.
“Never, Lucania. How could I?”
“Say it. Say that
you swear it.” He demanded softly.
“I swear never to
doubt your love but…”
“Please, follow
me.”
I followed him as
he asked up to the turret, a part of the estate that I had never bothered to
explore before. The floor where my companions slept led up to it and as I
walked those cold stone steps I felt as if I were being followed by ghosts of
ages long passed. I shivered when I reached the top only to gasp at the beauty
around me. Candles were lit all over the circular space and windows on all
sides provided a beautiful view of the grounds. The moonlight was streaming in
and as I looked at the worry on Luke’s face, my heart began to thud. The ball,
his last gift to my mortal self, was over and it had been quite a success so I
thought as I looked around and back at him once more that he was about to give
me the biggest gift I could ever ask of him. When I moved closer to him he
backed away from me nearly falling over a chair in the process. This wasn’t
like him. The man had reflexes and instincts that any wild predator would surely
envy. Finally he looked at me with deep anguish swimming in his beautiful dark
eyes and I knew somehow that the dark gift would not be mine that night.
“Arianne, I have lived a very long time. I
have met many women and when I was younger and more carefree I loved often. But
time and its effects, watching the mortal women I loved succumb to time as
nature intended, and the trickery of one woman in particular all made me cold.
I shut it out, this love I once gave away. I made myself the outsider that the
human world, if they knew about me, would expect me to be. I never thought that
I would feel for anyone what I feel for you now. I have never looked at any
female, mortal or otherwise, the way that I look at you. A secret of
immortality that one must learn alone is that while your ability to feel pain
physically dies with the tainted blood, your ability to feel emotions
intensifies in a way no mortal could ever understand. Whenever you think that I
do not love you as you love me, rest assured that my love for you and the ache
I will feel at dawn is more powerful than anything you’ve ever felt in your
life, anything you will ever feel.”
“What the hell are you talking about? What of
this pain at dawn?” I nearly cried out even as my blood ran cold in my veins. I
knew, god help me. I knew he was about to send me away and before he could get
out the words my tears were flowing.
“My sweet beautiful girl, I cannot do what you
ask of me. Not when you know nothing of the world but simple village people who
could never understand you and vampires who are separated from you in ways you
do not comprehend. To do this thing is bad enough, to do it while someone you
love is dying can be attributed to desperation, but to take a perfectly healthy
girl and turn her knowing she isn’t really sure it’s what she wants? Well, it
is a crime far worse than rape or murder. And I am not the sort of monster who
can commit such a crime. Mother is downstairs right now packing your things.
You will find money, a great deal of it, in your cases and a map that will lead
you to Paris. There you will see things, you will meet people who can speak to
you in three languages, you will go to parties and kiss handsome men. You will
live, Arianne. And that is what you must do because it is what you were born to
do, damn it! There is culture in Paris, people who can understand you at last,
people who will make you see that your place isn’t with the dead.”
I was silent as he spoke. Even my flood of
tears made no sound. I had slid to the floor when I realized that this was
reality and when he came to me I put up my hands to keep him away. How could I
let him hold me, kiss me, whisper tender words into my ear as he cast me out
into the cold like an unwelcomed guest? So he sat across from me leaving some
space between us and when I looked up I saw the red tears he was so ashamed of
streaming in a thick mess down his own face. Good, I thought. He should weep a
million tears for what he was doing to me. I would not plead with him to change
his mind. I had decided that as soon as he started to speak. I would not beg
him to let me stay. The tears I could not help but the rest? I was too damned
strong for it and as far as I could see, he did not deserve the satisfaction of
witnessing such pain.
“I know you hate
me right now. I expected you to and I do not blame you for that. Even Mother
refuses to speak to me for what I’ve done and Cherise and Cook have locked
themselves inside her chambers refusing to open the door to me. If it means
knowing that you are living, knowing that you are somewhere smiling and dancing
and drinking wine as you watch the sun set, I will take all of the hatred that
is being directed at me. I will also accept my own ache, my own grief, at
watching you go and living my nights without you. I would take on the pain of
the world if it meant that you could live out your days happy, sweet love. The
only thing I cannot take is having you go away believing I am doing this
because I do not love you. I need you to know…perhaps not tonight but in
time…that I am doing this because I love you more than the waking world. If it was
possible and I could do it I would keep you in my arms for all time. I would,
Arianne! But that isn’t the way our story is supposed to go.”
Suddenly my anger
overcame all else and I jumped up, a mess of pain and fury. “You bastard! Shut
the hell up! Just…SHUT…UP! All of this talk is not for me. It isn’t to ease my
pain as I weep alone at night and yearn for your touch! It’s all for your
conscience alone that I am here right now listening to this shit you are trying
so hard to feed me! You are right, Lucania, I do hate you tonight. I imagine I
will hate you for a while. But I will love you as well and I will think of you
often and your goddamned ghost will haunt me every place I go in Paris. I will
look at those handsome men and I will compare them with you and find something
lacking. You have already ruined me. This is only the completion of what you
started when you didn’t toss me out last year! You kept me here because you
wanted me and then because you loved me and in doing so you made me love you
back and now…NOW…when you might do something to make our love possible you find
that you have too much of a soul for it. Where the hell was your soul when you
chained me to your wall, when you shouted cruel things at me, and where was it
when you held me knowing I could never really have you because your mind was
already made up? Where the hell was your conscience then?”
“It is ghosts that haunt you, ghosts that keep
you from me, your great misery of four hundred years ago with a woman who never
loved you at all. And you call me the fool? You are not giving me a chance at
life by what you are doing. You are destroying me and you know it, you son of a
bitch! And yes, I hate you for it with everything I am!” With the rage flowing
through me, I slapped him harder than I could ever recall slapping another right
across his beautiful face. And I wanted to do worse, so much worse. I wanted to
cause him deep pain that I could see and enjoy, something much better than his
useless blood tears. When he took my wrists in his hands and pulled me to him I
couldn’t resist his strength but I could punch him with both fists on any spot
of his body that they happened to land. So that is what I did as he tried to
hold me. I fought against him and I hoped to all above that he knew for a
moment what I felt each time he fought against me.
“I love you, my girl.
Think what you want tonight but I do love you. And I will miss you every night
of my life. If the years pass and they are not kind to you, you may come back
to me. I don’t care how old you are when you come. At one hundred you would
still be as beautiful as you are tonight and I would love you just as much. I will
stay here long enough to see if you return. Do not do it in a month or a year.
Go out there and really try. But if you love me still as the years pass and
things happen as you believe they will, all you have to do is come home. I will
be here waiting to see which way your path takes you. I have nothing but time.
Take what you need. Just promise me you’ll try.”
It was this that
made me stop my assault on him and it was this that made me lay my body against
him like a child as he wrapped me in his arms. “I promise.” I whispered and
then no more words were spoken between us. We simply sat there together tangled
up in one another as we each sobbed for what was coming. I still hated him for
doing it; I still believed that I was right, but I knew that he was doing it
for me and me alone. And though I hated him for it, I could not blame him. All
I could do was let him hold me just a little too tight as I held on to him and
prepared for what was about to happen. I felt so frightened, so alone. I knew
that I would be back. But for him I would keep my promise and before I returned
I would live as much as I could. Not for me, not for those things I had never
done, but for a man who had done it all and who loved me enough to want the
same for me. He wanted me to dance in the sunshine before he cast me forever into
the night. How could I blame him for that?
When Mother came
in to take me down Luke looked at me for a moment with true fear in his eyes.
It was only there a moment before he pushed it away but it was enough. Then he
kissed me and if it is possible to pour a lifetime of love and sorrow into one
kiss, I swear he accomplished it in that moment. This was his goodbye and I
accepted it as if it were an elixir that would get me through the years ahead.
When he broke the spell, I touched his cheek gently before I stood and followed
the woman who had, in her way, loved me as a mother truly would have as she led
me away from the man I would miss until I saw him again. As I promised myself,
I did not beg or plead. I shed but a few tears as Cherise hugged me to her and
Cook promised to continue working on his skill so that when I returned he could
make me a feast. I was almost numb to everything as I helped Mother grab my
trunks and I listened patiently as she told me where she had put the money and
the map. It was only when I got to the front door and I went to hug this woman
who had always been so strong and I saw the red tears of her kind standing in
her eyes that I broke. God, how I loved her and leaving her and the others was
almost as hard as leaving the man who had my heart. I might have begged then if
she hadn’t all but pushed me out the door with her tears still flowing and into
the cold night I went on a horse I had once shared with Luke thinking not of the
future ahead of me but of all that I was leaving behind in that house of the
dead.
If you like what you've read, the link again is http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00K425LCG/ref=s9_simh_gw_p351_d0_i1?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=1RF5QV82MGXZJ7804HE9&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=1688200382&pf_rd_i=507846
Happy reading!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)